Labors of Hercules as Done by Squad 11
by Totoromo
Summary: Title pretty much says it. Kenpachi and co take on the epic tasks originally mentioned in Greek myth. Humor, Action/Adventure. T for violence, language.
1. Introduction

**Title:** Labors of Hercules as Done by Squad 11

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Rating: **T, violence and moderate cursing.

**Description: **The tales of the labors of Hercules as done by different members of Squad 11. Action and humor. Why not combine two things I love? Bleach + Greek Mythology. Kenpachi beats out Hercules any day of the week.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

* * *

**Original labors of Greek Mythology were:**

1. Slay the Nemean Lion.

2. Slay the 9-headed Lernaean Hydra.

3. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis.

4. Capture the Erymanthian Boar.

5. Clean the Augean stables in a single day.

6. Slay the Stymphalian Birds.

7. Capture the Cretan Bull.

8. Steal the Mares of Diomedes.

9. Obtain the Girdle of the Amazon Queen.

10. Obtain the Cattle of the Monster Geryon.

11. Steal the Apples of the Hesperides.

12. Capture and bring back Cerberus.


	2. Task 1: Nemean Lion

**Task 1: ****Nemean Lion**

* * *

"Look, villagers are superstitious. I doubt there's some sort of weird succubus shape-shifting monster out there," continued Head Captain Yamamoto. "Something is killing people though, so we're sending a team to investigate."

Another boring captains' meeting, thought Kenpachi, not actually paying attention.

"Succubus? I volunteer!" said Captain Kyoraku.

Kenpachi stopped staring at the cracks in the floor. What the hell was a succubus?

"No," Head Captain Yamamoto said firmly.

"There's no such thing anyways," lied Captain Kurotsuchi. There was no such thing in nature of course, but he had created something remarkably similar. He was still perfecting it though.

"What's a succubus?" Captain Hitsugaya asked.

"Like a vampire, but with sex," Captain Kyoraku said happily.

"So, vampires don't have sex?"

"Yes, the purely mythological monsters that humans have created all go around having sex with each other all the time," Captain Kurotsuchi said, exasperated. "It's probably just an attractive woman luring men in with sex and then killing them," he continued.

"Hence my interest," commented Captain Kyoraku.

"Are you neglecting the 'and killing them' part?" asked Captain Soifon with disgust.

"I'm hard to kill, I'll be fine," assured Captain Kyoraku. "Plus, it's not that bad a way to go, right?"

"No," Head Captain Yamamoto said again. Why did no one listen to him unless he was setting things on fire or condemning people to death? He briefly considered condemning someone to death, maybe Captain Kurotsuchi, for being a green blob monster. That can't be in the rules anywhere right? Head Captain Yamamoto tried to think back, but either he wasn't remembering the rule book correctly or there had never been a need to include a clause that included what to do when someone had changed themselves into sentient sludge.

"Captain Zaraki will go," he continued.

"What, to kill some woman?" Kenpachi scoffed.

"There's a possibility that it is a hollow that can appear as a woman," he was assured.

"So, how am I supposed to tell? I mean, what if I just go and cut off some random hot chick's head? That's not gonna look good. My guys kinda like hot chicks when their heads are on."

"If it's the hollow you are looking for it's supposed to change into an unkillable monster."

"Unkillable?" Now that certainly sounded more like it, Kenpachi thought. Actually, it sounded like a challenge. He'd show unkillable how killable it was, even if it was a hot chick, which hopefully it wasn't. Even killing an immortal monster wasn't going to feel awesome if it looked like someone you'd hit on in a bar. Kenpachi mentally thought of an attractive woman, added some wings…bat wings maybe? Fire too. Um, fangs are good…long claws. Scales? That would help. Ok good, now _that_ thing he could feel great about exploding into a shower of blood and gore. Oh, and a tail, he'd forgotten that part. Like a scorpion tail or something. Fantastic.

Kenpachi was getting excited about killing his wholly made up creature now.

"Alright," he agreed, realizing that everyone was looking at him and waiting.

"Kenpachi?" asked Captain Kyoraku on the way out after the captain's meeting. "If she's like super super hot, you really don't have to kill her right? I mean, I'm sure I could train her to, you know, not kill all men."

Kenpachi was still thinking of the hideous creature he had created in his mind. "You sure are one sick bastard," he said.

* * *

Nemea watched a small squad of men approach her home. Stronger than usual, that will be fun, she thought. She kind of liked the big one, and considered whether or not the smaller one wearing feathers even liked women. The tall bald one would be easy. She eyed the small pink haired child on the back of the spiky haired one with interest. A slave might be nice. A child was a good lure too.

"Really? A cave?" said Yumichika with distain.

"Yeah, it's a pretty tired clique," agreed Ikkaku.

"No, I meant it's so drab, and I bet you it's damp. It's not pretty in the least," Yumichika complained.

"Oh. I mean, it's a monster. That's a cave. That's kind of how it goes," shrugged Ikkaku.

"Damn it," groaned Kenpachi. "It _is_ a hot chick."

Yumichika blinked. Were they really supposed to kill that…goddess over there? It seemed inconceivable. Surely the captain had made a mistake.

Wow, thought Ikkaku. She has really big boobs. Bigger than Rangiku even. I didn't think that was possible.

She looks nice, thought Yachiru. I wonder if she has any food, or candy?

Nemea had taken a read of them by this point. Squad 11, huh? Guess that means I'm going to have to fight.

Out of nowhere a huge gryphon flew down to the ground. Nemea dodged it, drawing a sword.

"Where did that weapon come from?" wondered Kenpachi. That was the type of thing he always noticed. She wasn't wearing much, so it's not like she had it hidden on her.

Yumichika was going into action; surely this beautiful woman would want his help?

"Back off!" Nemea yelled. "He attacked me, I'm pretty sure that means I get to kill him."

Well, that certainly was true, agreed Ikkaku. You usually just didn't find such reasonable people outside of Squad 11 though.

The gryphon took advantage of the distraction, attacking at Nemea's back. "Coward!" she cried, leaping to the side. She had a little blood on her mouth.

I didn't see her get hit, thought Kenpachi.

The monster lifted its huge paws, wielding long sharp claws. She blocked the attack with her sword, easily deflecting it.

Is that supposed to be a zanpakuto, mulled Kenpachi. It felt different somehow.

Nemea deftly led a swift counter attack, pushing the beast towards the wall of her cave. She ran straight towards it, taking a claw into the stomach, but managing to run it through the neck. It was a deathblow. The creature wailed, shooting blood from its throat. With its last ounce of strength it took to the skies. Nemea was never very good at making creatures actually look dead, so she usually just had them look like they ran away.

"Damn it!" Nemea yelled after the fake gryphon.

She turned to the small group behind her.

"Your dress got ruined," sad Yumichika sadly. It was white and looked like silk too. That couldn't be easy to maintain while in a musty cave.

She should have figured that they would think nothing of her wound. In any case, her battle had gained their trust. They accepted her offer for some sake, sitting outside under the trees, talking about the monster that they were looking for. She told them that she had heard of such a creature further south.

* * *

Kenpachi was feeling warm. Nice, and warm. Warm, and nice. Wait, what the hell? He looked up at the sky, which seemed a lot more purple than it should.

Kenpachi laughed to himself. It would take more than that to…he felt himself drifting off to sleep…what was he thinking again? His mind desperately focused on the beast he wanted to kill, the one he had pictured in his mind. It worked. He could feel his blood beginning to flow faster, his heartbeat beat harder; his body adjusting to his battle lust.

He stood up.

"Unexpected," said Nemea, who was standing over Ikkaku's unconscious body.

Kenpachi didn't say anything, he just tripped her. He didn't want to stab her; she still looked too much just like any other woman, just an especially attractive one. She did have battle skills though, so if she did decide to draw her…whatever that weapon had been, he'd be ok.

Luckily, tripping her seemed to have both surprised and upset her. Her skin began to fall off.

Mmm, thought Kenpachi. This was starting to get fun.

"You know, you looked ugly before, but now you're starting to look like dog meat," he said.

"What?" she yelled.

"I can't believe that the reports we got reported "an attractive" woman. Some people have no tastes," he continued. "I'm surprised anyone could even pick you out as a woman at all, what with all of the hair."

"RAaaWWWRR!" she screamed.

Gesh, Kenpachi though, she's just like Yumichika.

She began to transform.

Ooooh, Kenpachi thought about his new toy.

She finished her change, her appearance now feral.

Definitely a hollow, Kenpachi smiled.

Lion-like in aspect, she had multiple tails, each with blades on the end, stained with blood. She had extremely long fangs, barely able to close her mouth. Her red eyes gleamed as she roared. She was massive, dwarfing Kenpachi's usually large frame.

Not quite the same as what I had pictured, thought Kenpachi, but still pretty good.

He struck at her, but she had already moved away. His movements had been slowed by the poison in the sake. No, it wasn't just that. There was whatever she had been doing to Ikkaku. She would have started with him first, he was sure of that. You take out the strongest first. He decided to stop dicking around and took off his eye patch, feeling a surge of spiritual pressure run through his body.

His second attack his zanpakuto came into contact with the hollow, but made a ringing noise and bounced back. Nice, he thought, with a grin. After several more probing attacks he definitely had the idea that piercing this thing's skin was going to be fairly difficult.

Nemea wasn't just waiting around either. She jumped in close to Kenpachi. He raised his zanpakuto to hold off her fangs from digging into his chest. While he was busy defending himself from her frontal attack, she reached around with her long tails and began to wrap them around his body.

Kenpachi wasn't particularly enjoying the sensation of hearing his bones crack. It did, however, piss him off.

He decided two could play this game. Dropping his zanpakuto, he reached around her neck.

"Let's see who can last the longest," he said with a smile, squeezing hard.

Nemea hissed at him, digging the bladed edges of her tail into Kenpachi's back. To her surprise, he just laughed.

"You really need to try harder if you're going to do anything more than look ugly," he said.

She growled at him. He took the opportunity to press down on her throat even harder.

"I'm bored with this," he said after a couple more minutes of struggle on both sides.

He moved his hands forward a bit, around her windpipe, and pulled.

A spray of warm hot blood hit him in the face, getting into his mouth and eyes. He remained firm, staying still as she fell to the ground.

"Great," Kenpachi said aloud as he realized the sharp parts of her tail were still embedded in him. He sighed and began to pull them out. Wait…if she was a hollow, then wouldn't she just disappear? There she stayed though.

Hm, well, I bet you I could make a great rug out of her, he thought.

* * *

"So it was a monster?" asked Captain Ukitake incredulously.

"Guess so, she wasn't a hollow, that's for sure," Kenpachi answered.

"I really wish you would have brought back the whole body and not just the pelt," Captain Kurotsuchi complained.

"I don't know, she started to stink right away and Yumichika didn't want to be anywhere near her."

"You really abandoned a scientific discovery because of such a stupid reason?" Captain Kurotsuchi asked angrily.

"I'm made of stupid reasons," grinned Kenpachi. "If you're really mad about it though," he gripped his zanpakuto meaningfully.

"Um, no," Captain Kurotsuchi said, eyeballing his fellow captain with trepidation.

"So, was she hot?" asked Captain Kyoraku. "Before she turned into a crazy monster, I mean."

"Yup," admitted Kenpachi.

"And was she a succubus?" Captain Kyoraku asked gleefully.

"Uh, I didn't really have a chance to find out," Kenpachi said.

"See, that's why I should have gone," Captain Kyoraku said, directing his comment to Head Captain Yamamoto, who was pretending to be asleep.


	3. Task 2: Lernaean Hydra

**Task 2: Lernaean Hydra**

* * *

"Stop glaring so much, you're scaring them away," Yumichika said.

"If they're too wussy to given come up when I'm glaring at them, then I don't want them," Kenpachi said, glaring harder.

"Uh, Captain," Ikkaku said, "We kind of lost a lot of people this year, we at least need to recruit some more fodder. This fair is our best shot."

"Fine, then maybe I should just go," Kenpachi replied.

"Yeah, don't we all wish," sighed Ikkaku, looking over at the guard Head Captain Yamamoto had actually stationed next to their recruitment table.

"If we knock him out quick we can probably run for it," suggested Yachiru. "Then we can just leave Maki Maki behind to recruit."

"Hey, why do I get stuck behind?" Makizo asked.

"Well, you are the slowest," Ikkaku mentioned.

"And the ugliest," continued Yumichika.

Just then someone burst in the hall doors, rushing to the Squad 1 table. Kenpachi, along with a couple of the other captains, headed over. If nothing else it would be a distraction.

"Reports of what?" Yamamoto was asking when Kenpachi got near enough to hear.

"It came out of the river and is attacking people, it's not too far outside the eastern gate," the man reported.

"Is it heading towards the gate?" Captain Ukitake asked concerned.

"So far it is staying near the river."

"Captain Hitsugaya…" Head Captain Yamamoto began.

"Yamamoto," Kenpachi interrupted. "Uh…Ikkaku's mom lives out that way. He's pretty fond of her. I'd like to volunteer our squad to go."

Ikkaku was gaping.

Captain Hitsugaya spoke up, "I have no problem with Captain Zaraki going instead."

Head Captain Yamamoto nodded.

"Captain…" Ikkaku said. "Why the hell did you say that? I don't even have a mother and now everyone's going to think I'm a moma's boy."

"No one will care," Kenpachi said, as they walked back to their table.

"Haha, mama's boy!" Makizo said.

"He's staying," Ikkaku said, pointing at him.

"What? Why?"

"Someone has to, and right now I hate you the most," Ikkaku said with an evil grin.

"Yeah, sure, you stay," Kenpachi said, waving, looking over the sign up list they had.

"HEY!" he yelled. Everyone in the room looked up. "Anyone still here that signed up for Squad 11?"

A couple of people stepped forward.

"Alright, consider yourselves recruited. Let's go," Kenpachi said, walking towards the door.

"Pathetic," he murmured to himself, looking over his shoulder at the new academy graduates. "I like the ones we get that are trying to avoid jail time better."

* * *

"Oooh! Kenny, he's big!" Yachiru said in awe at the giant creature in front of them.

"Yeah he is," Kenpachi said with a grin.

"Are we sure it's just one?" said Ikkaku. It had nine heads. If there were nine creatures he was counting on getting at least two for himself.

"Hm…" said Kenpachi as he looked into the swirling mass. The necks were very long, almost tangled, making it hard to tell. "I think it's one. Yumichika?"

Yumichika closed his eyes for a second. It certainly felt like one creature, there was only one spiritual pressure signature. "Yes," he said. "There's just one."

"Damn it," cursed Ikkaku.

"Alright everyone, stay back," Kenpachi said before lunging forward at the beast.

He managed to cut of three heads before hitting the ground.

"Kenny," Yachiru said.

"What?"

"You're smoking," she said, pointing.

Huh, he was. The damn blood had burned right through his clothes. Some had splattered on his face but he hadn't really noticed the sting until then.

"Shit!" Ikkaku said.

They looked up.

"Seems to me like it should have fewer heads, not more," Yumichika helpfully pointed out the obvious.

"They grew," one of the new recruits said. "After you cut off a head two grew back."

Kenpachi wasn't really the type of fighter who liked to think during a fight, he preferred just to slash it all down to the ground. It didn't mean he wasn't capable of it though. He had thought himself out of a couple of hard battle situations, like the time he had fought Kaname Tosen in the complete darkness of his bankai.

"Advice?" He asked. It wasn't really worth it, but he might as well try.

"Kill it," suggested Ikkaku.

"Yeah, hadn't thought of that," Kenpachi said sarcastically.

"What if we don't cut off the heads?" Yumichika said.

Kenpachi blinked. Was Yumichika actually giving a valid strategy instead of copping out like usual?

"We could…" Yumichika was cut off as one of the heads of the monster, who had been completely ignored during their conversation, engulfed him.

"YUMICHIKA!" Ikkaku yelled as Yumichika went head first into a gaping mouth, only his hips and legs dangling out.

"Should…shouldn't we help him?" asked one of the recruits nervously.

"Um," Ikkaku said hesitantly, looking at his captain. "No, just wait."

If he doesn't get himself out in 20 seconds, Ikkaku was saying to himself, I don't care I'm killing that damn thing.

* * *

"This is really gross," Yumichika was thinking. Luckily, the creature didn't really have teeth, aside from the four huge fangs in front of its mouth. Yumichika's body was slim enough to fit between them without getting pierced, but it still wasn't pleasant having his head stuck down the ugly thing's throat.

Yumichika looked around briefly. There were a couple of options. His arms were pinned down and he'd have to get them free to get to his zanpakuto.

* * *

10…9…8…, Ikkaku was counting to himself, getting more jittery by the second.

He gasped as Yumichika completely disappeared into the things mouth.

"AGGHHHHH!" Ikkaku roared, charging at the beast with his zanpakuto drawn.

All of sudden the mouth popped open, Yumichika straining inside of it, pushing up the roof of the mouth with his shoulders and hands. He had thought to break its jaw, but considering he could barely even open it he was rethinking that. He wasn't sure if his zanpakuto was long enough to do what he wanted, but decided to try anyways. He'd have to act fast though.

Yumichika removed one of his hands from the cavernous mouth around him, reaching down to unsheath his zanpakuto. His stabbed upward at an angle, trying to reach the things brain. There was a piercing bestial scream. Yumichika took the opportunity to jump out while he had a chance.

Ikkaku rushed over to his friend to see if he was injured.

"Ew! Ew!" Yumichika was shrieking. "You stupid thing!" he yelled at the not completely dead head, "Now I'm all covered in spit and who knows what else! I hate you!" he started charging it.

"Yumichika," Kenpachi stepped in front of him.

"Oh come on Captain," Yumichika whined, "He tried to eat me! Are you staying I don't get to attack him if he tries to eat me?"

Kenpachi was realizing that Yumichika had a point. The head behind them opened its mouth and roared. "Shut up," Kenpachi yelled at it, "I'm trying to think!" The thing didn't shut up of course, so Kenpachi cut off one of its teeth.

"Damn," he thought, dodging the torrent of green sludge that erupted from the shattered fang. It pooled on the ground, boiling.

"I'm guessing you don't want that to touch you," said Ikkaku. "Good thing he didn't get a good bite on you, Yumichika."

"Alright," Kenpachi said, calling the group to attention. "If one of the heads attacks you, you can defend yourself, but don't kill the monster."

"Captain?" a recruit said.

"What?"

"The one that officer Ayasegawa got, it didn't make more heads."

They looked at the thing. It still wasn't dead, lolling around with a dead-eyed gaze, mouth agape. It certainly wasn't going to be fighting though.

"Ok, so if one attacks you, disable it. Don't…" Kenpachi said.

One of the heads attacked one of the recruits. He dodged the attack and cut off the head.

"AHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, as his body was bathed in acidic blood that ate through him.

Two more heads popped up to replace the one he had cut off.

"Like I was going to say, don't do that," Kenpachi said, pointing at the ooze that had been a person no less than thirty seconds ago.

"I don't know about this group," he said to Yachiru. "They look a little green."

He wasn't being figurative. The faces of the new members of Squad 11 had a distinctive green tinge to it as they regarded their now defunct squad members' remains.

"I'm going to work on this side, I want to get a path to its guts, maybe a couple jabs in its innards will do the trick," Kenpachi explained.

A head struck down near them, closest to Yachiru. She slashed at its eyes and it pulled away.

"Remember, no killing!" she warned everyone. Kenny wouldn't like that at all.

"I hate snakes," Yumichika commented with a sigh.

"It's not a snake," Ikkaku said frowning. "Snakes are kind of cool."

"What do you mean? They're gross and slimy!"

"What the hell are you talking about? Snakes aren't slimy at all!"

"The one I was inside was!"

"That wasn't a snake!"

"Are they always like this?" one of the recruits asked their new lieutenant.

"Only when one almost gets eaten by a snake," she answered.

"IT'S NOT A SNAKE!" yelled Ikkaku.

"Oh I get it, it's because you look like a snake!" she said, pointing at his bald head and giggling.

"…because I what?" Ikkaku blinked. "Hey, take that back!"

"Snake! I mean, head thing!" yelled a recruit, pointing up.

"My turn," grinned Ikkaku, attacking the thing with gusto.

* * *

Kenpachi was wondering if he could make the thing bite itself. It would be stupid to be allergic to your own poison though, right? He kind of wished he knew more about animals. He jumped up onto the head that Yumichika had disabled, running along its neck. Another head blocked his path, knocking him off. He stuck his zanpakuto in the neck to prevent himself from falling, getting a dose of toxic blood on his sleeve before quickly getting out of the way.

He jumped onto the head as it attacked him again, holding on as it whipped around, trying to knock him off. When it briefly paused, he stabbed his zanpakuto deep into its eye, straight into the brain. He pulled his sword out quickly, jumping off the head before the shooting blood could reach him.

Kenpachi watched the head with interest to see what would happen. Nothing did, it just stopped moving, its eyes glazing over. He looked up to see Ikkaku disabling another head. So, three disabled, one blind…he almost had an opening. He sprinted towards the center of the beast again.

* * *

"Damn it!" Ikkaku yelled at one of the new recruits. "Don't let it bite you!"

Luckily the kid just fell down unconscious; he didn't seen dead, yet.

"We're going to go through all of our new recruits in one day," sighed Yachiru.

"You forget, these are just the ones that stuck around, there were plenty of other names on the list," Yumichika said. "Plus, there's whomever Makizo can scrounge up while we're gone."

"Oh, that's right!" Yachiru said, cheerful again.

* * *

Kenpachi had incapacitated another two heads. He was close to the body of the thing now.

"Aw," he said when he got there. "You must be daddy."

The head at the center of the creature had a much smaller shorter neck. Its head was a different color, it had longer curved fangs, and blood dripped slightly from its eyes.

Kenpachi jumped at it with glee, taking broad strokes at its face, chipping away parts of bone and mass. It hissed at him and shot out venom in a stream.

"A couple more tricks than the others, huh?" Kenpachi said, and then cursed. The stupid thing was regenerating.

He moved in to attack again, viciously chopping at it. It jolted away from his body, took massive damage and blood loss, but still kept repairing itself.

"You know, you are annoying," Kenpachi said. "Screw it," he said, chopping its head off. He knew it was just going to make things worse in the long run, but he was getting pretty pissed off. Just seeing the head separate, the arc of blood shooting from the neck, calmed him down a little. He took a stance, waiting for additional heads to spring up.

They didn't.

The creature's body shuddered and started to dissipate. "Wait, what?" Kenpachi said, angry. "No damn it." He was just starting to get into it.

He sighed and jumped to the ground.

There was a roar. Startled, he looked behind him. It was the damn head, it was still going.

Yumichika walked over and kicked it. Kenpachi frowned at him.

"GO AHEAD AND EAT ME NOW STUPID SNAKE!" Yumichika yelled.

"Yumichika," Ikkaku sighed.

"Oh wait! You can eat snakes right?" Yumichika said with a gleam in his eyes.

"You're not going to eat it!" Kenpachi said firmly.

Yumichika pouted.

* * *

The recruitment fair was still going on, so they headed back towards it. It was closer than squad 4 from where they were anyways.

The room fell silent at the battered group entered, covered in poison and slime, clothes and bodies singed from acid, their own blood splattered across their hair and faces. They stopped in front of the squad 4 booth. Ikkaku unloaded the unconscious kid, and the other damaged recruits limped forward. Captain Unohana looked like she wanted to say something but didn't, she just gestured to her team to move forward and heal the wounded.

"Hey," asked Kenpachi. "Anyone know the name of that guy who melted?"

They nodded their heads. No one knew him.

"Ah, guess we'll figure it out later," he said. "Oh, I got something for you Mayuri," he yelled across the room.

"Oh?" Captain Kurotsuchi asked, walking over. Kenpachi handed him a bag, which he opened.

"You seemed upset last time, so this time I brought you a present," Kenpachi said with a shrug. "It seems pretty hard to kill anyways, it has instant regeneration."

"Really?" Captain Kurotsuchi said in a way that made anyone within a ten yard radius shiver. He began to pull the head out its makeshift container.

"Watch out, the blood burns through everything and I'm not sure what the poison in the fangs does, but it didn't look great either."

Captain Kurotsuchi was talking to himself very quickly, and walked off without another word to anyone, heading straight to his lab.

"Get anyone else Maki Maki?" Yachiru asked at the Squad 11 recruitment table.

"Not really."

Ikkaku sunk into his chair at the very end of the table. This day had sucked. He hadn't gotten to kill anything, got called a mama's boy, and was told he looked like a snake. Not that there was anything wrong with snakes.

"Excuse me?" a feminine voice asked.

"Huh?" Ikkaku looked up.

A small group of women were gathered on the other side of the table.

"Is your mother ok?" the girl asked.

Ikkaku didn't answer for a second; his brain didn't completely understand why he suddenly had half a dozen very cute women looking at him with sympathetic looks in their eyes.

"…mother…" he repeated. "Oh yeah, she was fine. We killed the creature before it got anywhere near her home."

"It's so sweet for you to be so protective of her," one of the women cooed.

"Well, I don't look it, but I can be a pretty sweet guy," Ikkaku smiled.

Yumichika, sitting next to him, groaned and laid his head down.


	4. Task 3: Ceryneian Hind

**Task 3: Ceryneian Hind**

* * *

"Captain Zaraki, you are to assemble a team to catch the traitor Kerin Yanato, dead or alive, to face questioning for her recent activities," the order said.

"So does that mean we're supposed to bring her back for questioning even if she's dead?" Yachiru asked, puzzled.

"Who writes these things?" Kenpachi said, tossing it on his desk with the other pile of things he was currently ignoring.

"HEY IKKAKU!" he yelled out. Ikkaku wasn't actually in the room, and probably not in the building, so he figured he'd have to be extra loud.

"What the hell?" Ikkaku said, waking from his nap under a tree in the training grounds.

"He must be bored again," Yumichika said, not bothering to sit up. "Go entertain him," he said with a wave.

"Yeah, order me around, let's see how that turns out," Ikkaku said, aiming a kick at Yumichika's head, which was easy dodged.

"You forget that _you_ are drunk and slow, while _I _am beautiful and smart," Yumichika said.

"Those things don't even go together," Ikkaku said.

"Close enough, now go get beat up," Yumichika said, turning over with his back facing Ikkaku.

It turns out his captain _was_ bored, but their sparring match was interrupted when a cat landed in the middle of the two men.

"Uh," Ikkaku wondered if his captain was expecting him to fight around the cat.

"Kitty!" Yachiru cried, running out.

"We need to talk," the cat said to Kenpachi.

"I want to carry you!" Yachiru said, picking the cat up.

"Just be easy on the stomach," the cat replied.

* * *

"I'm glad I caught you before you went out," the cat said once they were inside.

"Before we went out for what?" Kenpachi asked.

The cat sighed and jumped up onto the messy desk and pawed at the piece of paper with the orders he had gotten earlier.

"I'm not really the kind of guy who plays fetch," Kenpachi shrugged, ignoring the order.

"It says dead or alive," Ikkaku said, reading it.

"It also says questioning, meaning that they want her alive and when I kill her, like I will, they'll get pissed off at me even though they said I could," Kenpachi said.

"Perceptive," the cat said.

"Yeah whatever, what do you want?"

"To go with you. Also I want you to not kill her," the cat replied.

"Yeah, pretty much both of those things aren't really things I'm interested in so go eat some fish and…"

Yoruichi sighed and changed into her shinigami form. Completely naked of course.

"Fish sounds great if your treating," she said.

"That wasn't an offer," Kenpachi said coldly, ignoring her lack of clothes.

Ikkaku on the other hand was very much enjoying the view, and couldn't wait to mock Yumichika for the fact that he had decided to sleep instead of coming in.

"What a very pretty picture I've walked in on," Yumichika said from the door.

Damn it, Ikkaku thought to himself.

"Thanks," Yoruichi said over her shoulder.

"She is someone I know, I don't think she's done anything wrong. Don't you dare say 'then she shouldn't have run' because you know how messed up our justice system has been recently," she continued.

"Very sad, I'm sure," Kenpachi said. "I'm probably not even going to do this mission at all though so just leave. Also, you're either gonna want to put on clothes before walking in front of my squad or run very fast, they're not known for their manners."

"They gave it to you because Squad 2 already failed at it. So they gave it to Squad 6, who also failed. If you bring her back you'll have beaten both Soifon and Byakuya."

"You're right that it sounds more interesting now, but are wrong in thinking that I'm going to do it," Kenpachi replied firmly.

"Fine, I have an offer for you," Yoruichi said, walking over to his side of the desk and whispering in his ear.

"Huh," Kenpachi said, thinking. "Yeah, alright."

* * *

"What do you think she offered him?" Yumichika said.

"Probably candy!" Yachiru answered.

"Yeah, you're right lieutenant, it was probably candy," Ikkaku agreed with a straight face. "Ok, I think we're set."

"Are you sure we don't need a larger team?" asked Yumichika.

"No, we're going to be moving very quickly, more people and gear will just slow us down. That's why we're not even bringing bedding or food," Yoruichi said.

"We're not…but…" Yumichika was already missing his pillow.

"Haha, learn how to sleep in the dirt like the rest of us," Ikkaku said, grinning.

"No food means no sake either, jerk," Yumichika replied.

Ikkaku blinked. "That can't be right."

"Why are you going with us again, kitty?" Yachiru asked.

"I know Kerin best and will be able to help track her," Yoruichi didn't feel the need to add that Squad 11's lack of direction was the stuff of legend.

"Let's move out!" Kenpachi said.

* * *

"Ok, I feel like I've been running for weeks, this really needs to be over," gasped Yumichika, leaning on a tree.

"Why aren't trees made of sake? That would help things right now," Ikkaku said. Damn trees, so many trees. Trees and grass and evil spiders. Though Ikkaku could argue that there was no thing as a spider that wasn't evil.

"I've come up with a plan," Yoruchi said. "The last village we passed mentioned that she had come through, I think we should lay a trap."

"No," Kenpachi said flatly. "I don't do traps."

"It's a trap just to make her stop and talk to us."

"Even more no than last time."

"It's a trap to make her stop so that you can challenge her to fight," Yoruichi amended.

"I know you're just making that up to get me to agree," Kenpachi said wearily. Ikkaku was right, trees should be made of sake.

"No, really. You can challenge her to fight, if she loses she comes with us, if she wins she goes free."

"You think she'll do that?" he asked.

"I hope so, otherwise we're never going to catch her. You're never seen someone so quick in all of your life. I'm not even talking just flash stepping, just flat out running she can beat just about anyone," Yoruichi said.

"You included?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that," Yoruichi did have her pride. She wasn't known as the goddess of flash without reason.

* * *

"Give me the locket kid," Ikkaku said gruffly to Yachiru, who was doing a very good job of weeping and looking hysterical.

"No, it's my mommy's!"

"Look, I don't really _need _to have you alive, so hand it over or something might happen to you," Ikkaku threatened.

Yachiru wailed. "Nooooo!"

"That's it!" Ikkaku raised his weapon.

A woman appeared in front of him, catching his wrist. She was tall, her long hair the color of burnished bronze. Hey brown eyes glared at him angrily.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"What?" she seemed confused.

"I said I'm sorry, this whole thing kind of sucks," Ikkaku went on, grabbing her arm firmly.

"Kerin," Yoruchi said, walking out.

Kerin gave Ikkaku a swift kick to the crotch and began to dash away, running straight into Kenpachi, who wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her in place.

"Mmmmfff," she said into his chest. He sighed, giving her enough room to turn around but not relinquishing his grip on her.

"Captain Yoruichi, what a pleasant surprise," she said. "Or…are you still ex-Captain?"

"Yoruichi is fine between friends," Yoruichi answered with a smile.

"Yes, friends always drag friends back to certain death, maybe that's why I try to limit how many I have," Kerin said.

"Ask her," Kenpachi said.

"Ask me what?"

Yoruichi sighed. "He has a problem with how I tricked you, so he wants you to accept a challenge to fight."

"Agreed," Kerin said easily.

"How do we know she's not going to run away when you let go of her, Kenny?" Yachiru asked.

"I won't," Kerin said.

"She won't," Yoruichi agreed with her. "She had this really bad streak of holding up her word and never lying. She made a really terrible member of the punishment force."

"Well I guess lying comes more easily to some than to others, huh, Yoruichi?" Kerin grinned.

"Bah, I've been called so many things in my life that I doubt a few more will hurt," Yoruichi said. "I'll even be a good friend for you and get you a concession for your fight."

"A concession?" Kenpachi didn't like the sound of that.

"Yes, let her pick who she gets to fight," Yoruichi said.

Kenpachi was really not happy with that idea, since he doubted she would pick him.

"I know what you're thinking, but I want you to consider that she doesn't use a weapon," Yoruichi continued.

"She doesn't…what the hell does she use then?" Kenpachi asked.

"Just my body," Kerin said.

"Plus her nails and teeth are full of poison," Yoruichi pointed out.

"Poison," Kenpachi repeated. This was sounding less and less like a fun fight. Great, he'd been out here running around for no good reason. "Fine, you pick, just don't run when I let you go," he said as he relaxed his arms.

"You really better pick me," Ikkaku said from where he was leaning against a tree, trying his best to ignore the completely throbbing pain he was getting in his nether regions from her very well aimed kick.

"Let me handle it," Yumichika said, standing in front of his friend with his hand at the hilt of his zanpakuto.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Kerin grinned maliciously. "Did I hurt your boyfriend? Did I ruin any plans you might have for later?"

"Hey!" Ikkaku said.

"You certainly know how to be very aggravating," Yumichika said through gritted teeth, "and I have to say it makes you quite unattractive. That, and those buck teeth."

"Fine, you and me little peacock," she said.

"Yumichika, don't let the poison hit you," Ikkaku warned.

"Oh, thanks for the advice, I was planning on letting her poison me as much as she wanted to, but I'll take your words into consideration," Yumichika said sarcastically, then paused. "Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. Sleeping out in the cold dirt, running around all day long, not being able to take a hot bath, or have a good meal…"

"…or sake!" Ikkaku added.

"…all to find this silly repellent creature who doesn't know how to keep a civil tongue," Yumichika finished.

"Try to make it interesting Yumichika," Kenpachi called out.

"Of course Captain," he replied.

He felt a little odd facing off against a woman who wasn't holding a weapon, but most likely a single strike from her poison would take him down, and she had been on the punishment force. They seemed fairly feared and didn't use weapons. He circled her cautiously, drawing his weapon. He had planned on going straight into shikai but his captain obviously wanted a show so he was going to have to hold back a bit.

All of a sudden the woman was behind him and he hadn't even seen her move. He quickly dove out of the way, hitting the ground. Of course she was fast, he should have remembered that. Great, and now he was even more dirty than he was before. He struggled to not brush himself off, not wanting to give her an opening.

Her eyes were glowing with an animalistic ferocity as she sprinted straight towards him.

I'm not going to dodge her this time, it was too embarassing last time, Yumichika told himself. Wait! He dodged at the last moment, avoiding a downward strike that would have scratched him across the face.

I can't believe that she has already read me enough to know that I wouldn't avoid her attack out of pride, Yumichika thought. Except of course, even pride is worthless if you're dead.

He knew that his captain wanted a little more, but Yumichika had thought of how to beat her already. He decided not to wait. Who knew what kind of hideous poisons she had?

He looked down at his dirty clothes and sighed, lightly brushing them off, allowing his guard to drop.

"Yumichika you idiot!" Ikkaku was yelling, too late. She was already way too close. If Yumichika hadn't planned the whole thing that is. He gracefully moved out of her way at the last moment, slipping behind her, grabbing her hair and kicking out her knees, holding his blade to her neck while pulling her into a pose of submission.

Yes, thought Yumichika, her hair could be better, brushed for instance, but the arch of her neck and back right now is quite perfect.

"Well?" he said.

"Well what," she growled back.

"I'm pretty sure this is the part were you admit I'm the best at everything in the whole world and that you're completely useless," Yumichika said.

"I don't really think…"

He pulled back on her hair to make her silent. "Oh, I'm completely serious," he said.

* * *

"So, how did it go?" Kenpachi asked when he found Yoruichi, in cat form, on his desk. Yachiru, Ikkaku, and Yumichika filed in after him.

"I'm surprised you care," she said.

"I don't, but otherwise we're gonna have to talk about something else and I'm a little hung over," Kenpachi answered.

"I told you it was the very best," Yoruichi laughed.

"Oh it sure is, I'm going to miss it when it's gone, which probably won't be long considering how I've been going at it," Kenpachi said.

"You bribed him with sake?" Ikkaku said.

"Yes."

"Oh, well that makes sense," Ikkaku said as he thought about it. "Except that the rest of us had to go through the hell too and got nothing."

"Nothing except a good kick in the pants," grinned Yumichika. Ikkaku winced.

"She got away," Yoruichi said, getting back to Kenpachi's question.

"She got away," Kenpachi repeated. "As in, she ran away?"

"Yup."

"Exactly how did that happen?" he asked suspiciously.

"Who knows?" Yoruichi shrugged. "I couldn't catch up to her so away she went."

"I thought you said you could catch her," Kenpachi said.

"Must have been an off day," she said, leaving.

"Great. What a waste of my time. If that cat wants me to go fetch her toys for her next time she better be offering me a lot more sake," Kenpachi sighed.

"What!" Yumichika was livid. "She did this on purpose! She just used us and then let her little pig nosed swamp toed friend give Central 46 the slip!"

"That's it, I'm getting drunk," Ikkaku said.

"Aren't you already drunk?" Yachiru asked innocently.

"Drunker," Ikkaku clarified.

* * *

_A/N: This one was hard to write, because why in the world would Squad 11 catch anything without killing it first? Also, there's a couple of versions of the myth. I decided to go with the one that has Artemis intervening and helping out (I think Yoruichi makes a good Artemis).__ Yumichika catches Kerin in the way that Hercules is usually portrayed in art and sculpture as capturing the hind, holding her by the antlers from behind._


	5. Task 4: Erymanthian Boar

**Task 4: ****Erymanthian Boar**

* * *

"I swear Captain, it was a huge hollow, the size of field of cabbages!" the injured Squad 11 member said, making a report from a routinely scheduled patrol of one of the outer Rukon districts.

"Hey, Yumichika," Ikkaku asked. "Is a field of strawberries a different size than a field of cabbages?"

"Do I look like a farmer to you?" Yumichika scoffed.

"I'm just saying it's an odd indicator. It's like saying that Makizo is so ugly that he goes to a marine veterinarian. We already get that he's going to a vet," Ikkaku pondered.

"Which animals do marine veterinarians look at?" Yachiru asked.

"Like sea turtles or whales or something," Ikkaku answered.

"Maybe a vet that specializes in monkeys would be more apt?" Yumichika said.

"No, I like monkeys, they're fun and cute. Maybe like some sort of deformed…" Yachiru was saying.

"You guys know I go to Squad 4 like everyone else," Makizo said.

"Yeah, except they make you use the special side entrance," joked Ikkaku.

"Wait what? I thought that was the special entrance just for Squad 11 members!"

"Yes, but only ones who look like their mothers mated with bear-apes," Yumichika said.

The squad member who was giving his report was very used to all of this. He just hoped that they would remember that he was there before the blood loss made him pass out.

* * *

Was it up after that note or down? Kenpachi couldn't really remember. He tried it one way, and then the other.

"Um, Captain?" Ikkaku ventured.

"Yeah?"

"It's very nice of you to whistle a marching song for us to march to. We've enjoyed it very, very much," Ikkaku lied through his teeth. "But, it is a little repetitive and I think we're probably really close to where we want to be at this point so maybe we could…just…please…stop?"

"Uh?" Kenpachi just looked at him. "Yeah, whatever. You're right, I think we're here."

There was an audible sigh from the rest of the traveling group.

"Ikkaku, you're my hero," Yumichika said.

"Heh, thanks, remember you're buying next time we're in town," Ikkaku said.

"Really, Officer Madarame, thank you so much," Ikkaku got a small bow from some squad member whose name he didn't remember.

"It was like three notes of insanity, over and over again, pounding into my brain," offered another shell shocked squad member.

"I would have killed him if I didn't think that I would die the instant even the thought of doing it crossed my mind," admitted Makizo.

"Something crossed your mind?" Ikkaku said.

"Yeah, did you kill it?" Yumichika asked.

"I heard those things can be contagious, you might want to take a good bath when we get home," Yachiru said, seemingly serious.

"You know, there are other squads," Makizo said, in a lame threat to leave.

"No there's not!" Yachiru said defiantly.

"Hell no there's not!" Ikkaku agreed.

"Squad 11!" the other members of the squad tiredly cheered.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Kenpachi said, coming back. "Don't make me whistle again."

Ikkaku was shocked. His captain knew…he knew that whole time. He was _trying_ to drive them all crazy? He was doing it _just _to annoy them all? Ikkaku twitched a little.

"What's wrong Ikkaku," Kenpachi said, his voice deepening, his hand lightly resting on the hilt of his zanpakuto. "Feeling your oats today? It's been awhile since you and I have done anything serious." His eyes glimmered.

"Oh Kenny, play with your boys later," Yachiru said. "I smell food up ahead."

"Yachiru!" Kenpachi said, stricken.

"What?"

"Can you…can you not say it that way?" He asked.

"Well, you can always play with Ikkaku later if you're feeling lonely. I'm hungry now though!"

Captain Zaraki groaned.

"Replace 'play' with the word something else," suggested Yumichika.

"Bacon! You can always bacon with Ikkaku later," Yachiru said.

"Ok, now it doesn't make sense and still makes me uncomfortable," Kenpachi complained.

"There's nothing wrong with bacon though," Yachiru said.

"No, there's not," Kenpachi sighed.

* * *

"Don't kill me!" the man yelled.

"Oh yeah, I was saying 'hi'," Ikkaku said. "That's why I was waving."

"Oh, I'm just pretty used to the locals here thinking I was a monster and trying to kill me," he said, smiling.

Yachiru just stared at him. "So…you're not a monster…" she said.

"Yachiru," Kenpachi said. "People don't make fun of you because you're small. Don't make fun of him because he's…whatever he is."

"People try to make fun of me being short all the time, I just hit them," Yachiru said.

"So, they're not going to kill us?" another voice asked from the back.

"Not yet," the man in front of them answered. "They are from Squad 11 though."

"Oh, I think I'll wait."

"Let me introduce my team," the man said. "We're from Squad 12. Living out here we don't get many guests. Also, those that come run away screaming."

"See, they are monsters!" Yachiru said.

"Well, yes that's why they run. We just catch them and run experiments on the ones that annoy us though."

"Ever think that maybe they run because you catch and experiment on them?" asked Yumichika. "I mean, aside from that fact that you're part horse, there's a monkey girl back there, and what looks like a lizard man in the tree?"

"Maybe, luckily I don't care," the horse-man said. "My name is Chiro Ito."

"Can you run really fast because you have four legs?" Kenpachi asked.

"Yes."

"Handy."

"Plus you get to run around mostly naked all the time," pointed out Ikkaku.

"Um well, pants look silly on a horse," Chiro answered. "The lab coat however prevents cut and burns, also from splattering blood."

* * *

"Wow, there's more of you guys up here than I originally thought," Kenpachi said once they were all sitting the nearby laboratory (and combination living quarters) for the Squad 12 members.

"Well, there's only a couple of us with deformities, but those are the ones that everyone notices," Chiro said.

"Do you just not sit?" asked Yumichika. He was also looking with horror at the hooves. _Hooves._ Yumichika shivered and learned something about himself that he hadn't known before. Shinigami-animal hybrids scared him, _a lot_. He wanted to burn the place with fire, and then collapse a small building onto the fire, and then bury the ashes while chanting during a full moon. Captain Komamura was completely normal next to these guys.

"Well actually…" he's answering me, thought Yumichika. Why did I ask him? Please Ikkaku, he thought, staring at his friend, please do something stupid or violent to make him stop talking.

"Hey, that monkey-chick," Ikkaku interrupted Chiro's answer. Thank god, Yumichika thought. "Like how much of her is still a woman?"

OH MY GOD IKKAKU NOW I HAVE TO KILL EVERYONE, Yumichika roared in his mind. "AHHHHHHHH!" he yelled, drawing his zanpakuto and cutting a desk in half.

"What the hell," Kenpachi said mildly. Things like that just seemed to happen around Squad 11 for some reason.

Yumichika had managed to focus himself a little. "Hollow. There is a hollow. We are here to kill him. We should find him and kill him," he got out.

"Oh yeah, we're looking for a giant field sized hollow," Kenpachi paused. "Why do we say 'field-sized' again?"

"He was probably seen on a field by a farmer, and was the size of the field," explained Chiro.

"That makes a lot more sense when in that context," Ikkaku said.

"You can try to catch him if you want, but you won't want to," Chiro warned.

"Oh? Is he super dangerous? Giant? Immortal? Full of poison? We've had a lot of weird ones recently, I'm pretty sure we'll be good to go on this one," Kenpachi said with a smile.

* * *

"Ahhhhh!" Kenpachi roared as his zanpakuto swung, missing the hollow and taking out the building behind it.

"That was my storehouse!" the farmer said in horror.

"Rrrarrrr!" Kenpachi had the thing trapped now, there was a cliff coming up ahead, it would have to stop running and finally face off against him.

It paused when it saw that the exit had been cut off, and turned around. Giant streaks of saliva dripped from his razor sharp gores. Blood was flecked in its muzzle, but its eyes were still intelligent and fierce.

"Alright hollow…" Kenpachi started. He stopped speaking when the stupid thing tipped over. He walked up to it and stared at it in shock and horror.

"Did you kill it?" Yachiru said.

"No, it's asleep!" Kenpachi growled. To make matters worse it had started to shrink the moment it had hit the ground.

"He looks kind of cute, Kenny," Yachiru said, motioning to the now almost tiny pig. Hell, it was practically a piglet. Something you'd see in the country fair, nothing something you cut in half with a zanpakuto. Captain Zaraki sighed and took off his haori, throwing it over the 'beast'. He'd at least take it back to the lab; maybe they could return it to fighting condition again.

* * *

"What did I tell you?" Chiro said when he saw Captain Zaraki's disappointed face.

"You knew?" he accused.

"Yes," Chiro admitted. "Once he runs out of spiritual pressure, he becomes this little thing. He's almost adorable. I'm not sure why you brought him back though."

"Well, we can always give him to Mayuri I guess," Kenpachi said.

There was a sudden gasp, and then tittering as the scientists began to speak amongst themselves.

"What did I say?"

"You don't know?" Chiro asked, swishing his tail. Yumichika vomited slightly and reminded himself to burn his clothes when he got home.

"I have no idea," Kenpachi said.

"Oh well, it's fair to say that we all think it's a really great idea for you to bring this hollow back to our captain, as a thank you for sticking us out in the boondocks, ignoring us, and cutting funding," Chiro said with a smile.

"Hey, what is this?" Ikkaku asked, holding up a small jug. "It says 'sake' on one side, but then has all of these 'for scientific research' warnings on the other."

"It's sake," Chiro said.

"No it isn't," the monkey girl, who Ikkaku had found to be named Hitomi, said.

"That's…confusing," Yumichika said.

"It's both," Hitomi explained.

"There are times when we want to experiment on bodies that are experiencing drunkenness and it is easier to get people drunk quickly rather than waiting the usual allotment of time," Chiro said.

"So, medical grade sake?" Ikkaku clarified. "Specifically made to get someone as drunk as possible as quick as possible?" He smiled.

"I still wouldn't drink it," Yumichika said.

"Make Maki-Maki drink it first and see if he dies!" Yachiru suggested.

* * *

Later that night (or morning) Kenpachi was discovering that one of the advantages to being drunk and part of a horse was that it was harder to fall over. He leaned into Chiro. "This isn't that bad, you have no captain looking over your shoulder, you don't have to wear pants, when you're bored you grab some villages to experiment on, and you can be drunk as hell whenever you want," he said.

"There's one thing I really want to do though," Chiro slurred drunkenly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm goingssss to go to the land of the living and get Kissssuke Urahara back," Chiro said overly seriously.

"He that big a deal to you?"

"I've never met him; I just want to meet him and work with him. I think that brilliant minds should never be accountable to what they come up. Thinking like that makes a closed society. We need our minds to be free to all possibilities, dark or light."

"I'm not sure what you said, but I think I totally disagree," Kenpachi said. "That's ok though, you're a horse. It's stupid to argue with a horse."

"Oh by the way," Kenpachi said. "I'm sorry for my guys killing all of your guys," he gestured to the shadowy group behind him.

"Wait what? They're not dead are they?" Chiro looked back.

"I dunno, we'll have to wait to morning and separate yours from mine and what's fine, unconscious, or meat."

* * *

"You brought me another specimen?" Captain Kurotsuchi asked.

"Oh yeah, here you go," Kenpachi tossed the bag to the ground so that it opened slightly.

"Squeeeeeeeelllllllll!" the little pig-like hollow burst out, sprinting across the room.

"OOooaaaaiiiiii!" Mayuri jumped up onto his chair.

"Heh, scared of pigs," Kenpachi said. "Wouldn't have expected it."

"Nemu! Come with me at once; evacuate this area for immediate Level 2 decontamination," Mayuri flash stepped unto a desk and then onto a rafter in the hallway.

"But Captain, if there are still people in affected areas the poison gas will…"

"NEMU! I will disassemble you if you do not do as I order NOW!"

His voice gets higher pitched when he's stressed, Kenpachi thought. He checked to make Yachiru was on his shoulder before abandoning the Squad 12 lab.

"ALERT ALERT LEVEL 2 DECONTAINMAIN EMMIMENT!"

"Oh no, did the robots get loose again?"

"It's probably the clones, move man!"

* * *

_Kisuke Urahara = Prometheus? Hm, maybe. We can't have our good ex-captain rescued and sent back to the soul society early though. Chiro will just have to make drunken promises about it. I would really like for Captain Kurotsuchi to have a phobia like this, something simple that he could be tormented with._


	6. Task 5: Augean Stables

**Task 5: ****Augean**** stables**

* * *

_**A/N: **__I have to admit I am a little confused as to how animals function in the soul society. Things without spiritual pressure don't need food, and I assume that say, horses, wouldn't need it. So they wouldn't need to use the restroom, right? Anyways, I can't really see Squad 11 ever been roped into cleaning poo, so I had them roped into cleaning up something else more likely. There is no name approximating Augeas in the Japanese language (in my limited knowledge), so I took my best shot using an alternative and hopefully close male Japanese name._

_Dead bodies: I've heard in some fanfic people talk about them dissapearing, which would make sense since hollows do, but the central 46 bodies were still there almost a month after they got killed, so I'm assuming that they stay._

* * *

"Where do you think you're going?" the large man said.

Yumichika shuddered. He was exactly the type of large that Yumichika hated the most, even more than someone excessively fat. The man had ropelike tendons around his tree trunk sized neck, a complexion that looked like beef jerky, and an odd shaped head. Yumichika decided that the man's head was shaped like an eggplant and his mouth was like a carps. Their own captain looked wide, but although he was definitely built, he wasn't grotesquely muscle bound like this brute.

"I hope that you're talking to me," Captain Zaraki said, his eyes gleaming. He was still feeling the battle spirit flowing through him.

"I was thinking that you really shouldn't leave all of these bodies here," the man continued.

Kenpachi looked around. Well, there _were_ a lot of bodies. "I can't really help that. I mean, you have to kill as many as come at you," he said.

"Achoo!" Yachiru sneezed as she clutched his shoulder.

"Hold on Yachiru, we'll get to a town soon," Kenpachi said.

"I'm ok," she said weakly.

"I'm kind of in a hurry, and burying bodies isn't really my thing, so deal with it," Kenpachi said.

"Atsuchi," the man said. "That would be my name, I'd like you to address my by it," Atsuchi continued. "I own all of this land, the mine here, and that town below."

"You know, I think I hate your voice as much as I hate your appearance," Yumichika said.

"Yeah, I think I'm getting tired of hearing him yap too," Kenpachi agreed.

"Can't you just set it all on fire?" Ikkaku said. He didn't really know; they normally didn't hang around long enough to find out.

"The fumes are toxic, and like I pointed out there's a town down there. Don't you have kido? Can't you just blow them up in a flash of light or something?" Atuschi asked.

"That isn't really something we do," Kenpachi said, looking around at his men. He was pretty sure not a single one of them knew enough kido to do anything other than blow themselves up.

"How about we make a deal?" Atuschi said.

"I'm not really good at negotiating. Just leave us alone and we won't kill you, it's simple," Kenpachi stated.

Atuschi ignored him and continued. "That little girl in your arms is sick, and you just told me that you don't know any kido, so I know that you can't heal her that way." It was true. Yachiru had crawled over Kenpachi's shoulder and was now shivering in his arms, huddled against his chest. "Also, it looks like you've been out here a long time; you are far from the seireitei after all. I own a large estate and have lots of provisions. If you dispose of these bodies, and a couple more that I have, I will allow you to have any food, supplies, or sake that you can walk away with. Getting medical attention for the girl would be part of the agreement as well, obviously."

Kenpachi considered. He really _really_ hated this man already, and yet, he didn't like how hot Yachiru's check felt pressed up against him. They'd been eating dried rations for maybe two weeks, so fresh supplies would be good too. Goodness knows that when the sake went dry the grumbling from the ranks when through the roof as well.

"Fine," he agreed.

"I want it done by the end of the day," Atsuchi said.

"Whatever," Kenpachi grunted.

* * *

"I can't believe you volunteered us to clean up dead bodies!" Yumichika complained. "I refuse to take part in this!"

"Captain, I don't think I'm ok with what everyone is doing," Ikkaku said, referring to the several Squad 11 members that were taking time to riffle through the bodies for spare cash or trinkets. "I mean, they probably had families or something."

"Well, it's not like we know what belongs to whom," Kenpachi said uncertainly. He'd never really run into this problem before. He began to wonder exactly what did happen to all of those bodies that they left behind.

"This is Ayumi," Atsuchi said, walking up with a young woman with long dark hair and sorrowful eyes. "She is the chief medical practitioner here."

"Ok," Kenpachi said. "Yumichika, you're in charge of getting this done," he called out over his shoulder as he walked towards Ayumi.

"What?" Yumichika said.

"Heh ha ha," Ikkaku said, pointing at him.

"Why do I keep getting put in charge of things when you're higher rank than me!" Yumichika complained.

"Captain likes me better," Ikkaku shrugged.

"Maybe we could cut the bodies up into tinier pieces and then…" Makizo suggested.

"No, that is disgusting!" Yumichika interrupted him.

"You didn't seem to mind lopping off their limbs when they were alive," Ikkaku said.

"I'm not a butcher. I refuse to cut up someone like they are slabs bacon!" Yumichika said angrily.

"Fine then, what's your plan?" Makizo asked sullenly.

* * *

"We need to take her into the village and treat her there," Ayumi said. "I will come back in a few hours and let you know her condition and you can join her then."

Kenpachi hesitated, he didn't really like letting her out of his sight. Then again, even sick, Yachiru was someone who could take care of herself.

"I'll be fine, Kenny," Yachiru assured him, starting to cough violently as she spoke.

"Ok," he agreed.

It was a lot less than a couple of hours when Ayumi returned. Kenpachi wasn't sure were Atsuchi had run off to in the meantime.

"I'm here to show you the other bodies that Baron Atsuchi wishes for you to dispose of," she said.

"Ha, he calls himself a baron? What an ego," Kenpachi said. He had forgotten that there were other bodies to be taken care of, but it didn't really matter to him. "How is Yachiru?"

"Here is the cave," Ayumi said, without answering.

"What the hell…" Kenpachi trailed off. It looked like a whole war's worth of corpses piled up, old skeletons to newer bodies still bloated with death. He turned towards Ayumi. "You didn't answer my question," he challenged.

"Atsuchi is a fierce man, he considers himself to be the king of the bandits around here. Once he took over the town he wouldn't let anyone leave. His men took residence in the large estate he runs and anyone able bodied was forced to commute to work in the mines further to the south."

Kenpachi didn't ask again, he just grabbed her throat and held her to the wall, being mindful enough to allow her some air to talk to him.

"I don't know," she said.

"I need a better answer," Kenpachi said. "Or you're going to die."

"I don't know, and I'd prefer if you killed me," Ayumi said, looking at him with complete sincerity in her eyes.

"I don't know what I'm worried about, even sick she could kill off your whole damn town," he growled.

"They poisoned her and knocked her out, immediately placing spiritual pressure cuffs on her and then placing her in a small room with seki seki rock."

"Well then, I guess you're gonna die after all," Kenpachi said. He began to squeeze, but thought better of it. "Wait, you know where she is being held?"

"No, but I might be able to guess," Ayumi answered.

"You bought yourself a little more time then."

"He wants the bodies gone and then I imagine he'll try to kill you, possibly bargaining with the girl to get you in a vulnerable condition. He would never have let you leave after you being so close to his hideout and all of this…death…"

"Fine, we'll play it nice for awhile."

* * *

"YUMICHIKA!" Captain Zaraki yelled as he walked below the cave.

"Captain?" Yumichika said, running up.

"I have more bodies for you," Kenpachi said.

"What? I just figured out how to get rid of the other ones!" Yumichika scowled. "How many more?"

"Maybe ten to twenty times more than what we had before."

"STOP KILLING PEOPLE!" Yumichika couldn't contain himself.

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but these ones ain't mine," Kenpachi said. "They're up in this cave behind me."

"Oh, that's easy then," Yumichika said. He paused. "Why are you holding Ayumi under one arm?"

"Oh yeah, I need some rope. Call the boys around, we need to chat."

* * *

"The only problem with this plan is that it will probably drain the water supply for the town," Yumichika said.

"Too bad for them," Kenpachi said. He started to remove his eye patch.

"Captain!" Yumichika yelled. "You don't need to that! Just a small crack in the basin of that ravine will be enough and the water should do the rest. Once the water washes the bodies towards the base of the cave, you collapse the cliff. There's nothing that requires you to…"

"Everyone out!" Ikkaku yelled, and they all jumped for higher ground as their captain completely ignored them.

"I…can't breathe…" Ayumi said, as Kenpachi's powerful spiritual pressure hit her.

"Good," Yumichika said.

"Yeah, you're lucky to be alive at all right now, woman," Ikkaku said.

"Maybe she could accidentally die?" Yumichika suggested.

"Guys, come on, she's already tied up," Makizo said nervously.

Below, as expected, Kenpachi took out more or less the entire embankment. There was an explosion of dirt and rock, and then a powerful mist and flood of water.

"That's not good," Yumichika said, as he watched the water move from their vantage point. "It's not going to turn the way I want it to. It's too forceful and will go out of the valley." He thought it over for a moment. "Ikkaku, go down there and direct it."

"What?" Ikkaku said.

"Just use your spiritual pressure to keep it going from over the sides at that point down there," Yumichika pointed. "It should be easy."

"It's not easy, and there's no way it will…"

"Oh I'm sorry, I thought I was in charge," Yumichika said gleefully, remembering Ikkaku laughing at him.

"I don't know why I'm friends with such a jerk!" Ikkaku yelled as he rushed away.

* * *

Ikkaku wouldn't say that he had been completely successful, but even though he was soaked, everything had been more or less contained. Bodies rushed below him while the new river gradually faded into a stream. He felt his captain's spiritual pressure rise again and quickly jumped away to a safer distance. A giant plume of dirt rose like smoke as the cliff side gave way, crushing the cave below, covering the bodies in a massive grave.

When he got back to the rest of squad, Captain Zaraki was already there, talking with Ayumi.

"If you can't get her back, don't think you can run away, because I will find you," he was saying. She nodded and sprinted off.

* * *

"I should have been more specific," Atsuchi said. "You've caused quite a bit of damage."

"We did our part, you do yours," Kenpachi said.

"I'm thinking that's not going to happen."

"Oh damn, I'm so very surprised. Boys, what are we going to do? Maybe we should go home and cry," Captain Zaraki said with a smile so wide it practically cracked his face. "I hope you're more than just muscle, because I want this to last a little while," he said, launching himself into battle, his squad members following closely behind.

It wasn't very long before the group of bandits were subdued. Kenpachi took his time, standing over Atsuchi who was bleeding into the ground from a gaping wound in his stomach. "Sorry, I've heard stomach wounds hurt a lot," Kenpachi said with fake sympathy. "You know what your problem was? You were a big fish in a tiny pond and thought you could play with the big shots. You couldn't even come close. I bet you that not one of my men has more than a nose bleed."

"I'll haunt you!" Atsuchi threatened.

"Really? I'm pretty sure I've never killed a ghost before, I think I'll enjoy it even more than killing you the first time," Kenpachi said, leaning over Atsuchi so the man could see his face clearly in his last moments.

Kenpachi wasn't very good at feeling spiritual pressure, but he had been able to feel Yachiru nearby not too long ago. He looked up and saw her hanging limply in Ayumi's arms.

"She's still very woozy from the poison, but I've healed her sickness," she said.

"You ok, Yachiru?" he asked.

"Great, Kenny," she said, as he took her from Ayumi.

He paused, looking at the women. She had several other people behind her, people from town it looked like. "You're not going to be able to stay here, we knocked out your water supply," he said.

"We wouldn't want to stay anyways, this place has become…distasteful…" she said.

He turned to leave.

"You can have your payment if you'd like," Ayumi called out. "The estate is to the north."

Kenpachi grinned at that.

* * *

"Wait a minute!" Yumichika said at the campfire that night. "I did a practically impossible task and no one has even thanked me!"

"Well, I did most of the work," Captain Zaraki pointed out.

"Yeah, and it would've messed up if I didn't go down there," Ikkaku said.

"It was my plan though!"

"Fine," Ikkaku handed him the sake he was holding.

"Sake? We all got sake though, and I'm not even a drinker," Yumichika whined.

"Yeah, but this is _my_ sake and I'm _giving_ to you," Ikkaku said with a sigh.

Yumichika thought about it for a moment.

"Ok, your thank you gift is accepted," he said finally.


	7. Task 6: Stymphalian Birds

**Task 6: ****Stymphalian Birds**

_A/N: Nemu as Athena came instantly, but the more I thought about it the more the similiarities between them struck me. Neither was really born, Athena sprung from her father's head and Nemu from her father's mind and soul. I imagined that the Squad 11 crew wouldn't have a hard time making the birds fly, but would be more concerned with keeping them close to the ground, since they weren't likely to use sli__ngs or arrows like Hercules did, hence the use of an infrasonic device (still sound though right?)._

* * *

"How did it go, Captain?" Ikkaku asked, as Kenpachi walked into his office after a meeting with Head Captain Yamamoto.

"Well, we got a mission," Kenpachi said noncommittally.

"Oh, a fun one?" Yachiru asked.

"Maybe. There's mixed reports about what's going on, so it's either something completely easy that I would just as soon send a group out to deal with, or something that I'd want to be there myself for. I guess it just depends on how bored I am," Kenpachi answered, rubbing at his face.

"You have been pretty bored," Yachiru offered.

"Yeah, guess I'll be going then," Kenpachi agreed.

* * *

"What do you want to do tonight?" Ikkaku asked Yumichika, lying sprawled out on a cushion in their shared living quarters. They could have their own quarters, but Ikkaku hated cleaning up after himself and Yumichika hated taking out the trash. They both disliked living alone after so many years of traveling together and had so gotten used to splitting up chores that it was second nature to them at this point. Since Yachiru was living with Kenpachi, they taken the lieutenant's quarters and had modified it to their own needs, each getting their own room.

"Why do you even bother asking? You're just going to shoot down every suggestion I make saying it seems like too much work and wind up staying in doing nothing," Yumichika said, sitting on another cushion, trying to get a blood stain out of one of his uniforms.

Ikkaku looked up. "Oh hey, I have a hole in one of my hakama, can you…"

"I don't care," Yumichika said. There were definitely limits to how much laziness he would take from Ikkaku. "Besides, what makes you think I know anything about sewing?"

"What? You don't have any holes in any of your things. I've seen you patch things before," Ikkaku said.

"You haven't. I've always convinced other people to do it for me," Yumichika said. "The reason none of my things have holes in them now is that I just replace them."

"What? Geez, that would be like a whole new uniform every week for me," Ikkaku said disbelievingly.

"Just about, but I happen to know the schedule of the consignment office," Yumichika said.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You just have to know who to flirt with. I don't remember the last time I had to pay for a new uniform," Yumichika admitted.

"Ok, that's just crap. Why do I have to pay more?"

"It's not like beauty doesn't have a price, I have to upkeep all of this you know," Yumichika answered.

Ikkaku snorted with suppressed laughter at that, restraining himself from making a comment.

There was a knock at the door. Ikkaku was shocked to find Nemu Kurotsuchi standing at their doorstep.

"Uh, hi," he said.

"Lieutenant," Yumichika said, standing up.

"My captain would like to request that at least one of the hollows you may fight on your current mission be kept alive and returned to him for testing," Nemu said.

"I really don't see that happening," Ikkaku answered.

"Neither do I which is why I choose to relay this information to you instead of disturbing your captain," Nemu replied.

"Oh," Ikkaku said, wondering why she came at all then.

"I have a device I'd like to lend you," said Nemu, as if answering his unspoken question.

"We're not really keen on using devices in our fights," Ikkaku said.

"If the hollows that you will be meeting at the ones that we have previously encountered, they will fly away when you approach," she explained. "I do not think that there are many on your squad with long range attacks."

"That would be problematic," agreed Yumichika.

"This device can emit infrasonic vibration that will debilitate their flying abilities."

"Our captain most likely would refuse to use something that would make them weaker," Yumichika said.

"It affects equilibrium, making the creatures too dizzy to fly off, but it will affect everyone that same, your team included."

"Oh, that might be ok then," Ikkaku thought out loud.

"A warning, do not use it too long or it will rupture your inner ear. Longer use will rupture organs and cause damage to the brain," Nemu explained.

"Geez, anything else we need to worry about?" Ikkaku said, staring at the now slightly frightening device.

"Some of you may suffer the short term affects of nausea and vomiting," she offered.

"Uh, thanks," Ikkaku handed it to Yumichika.

"Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, if you have some free time perhaps you'd like to stay for awhile?" asked Yumichika.

"I must get back to my duties," she responded. She bowed and then left.

"Haha! You got shot down!" Ikkaku laughed at Yumichika.

"I was just asking her in for a little bit," Yumichika said.

"Oh yeah, and you definitely weren't checking out her legs the whole time," Ikkaku smiled.

"Well, it would be hard not to. Besides, like she said, she is still on duty. I'm sure she would have stayed if she could have."

"I don't think so. She probably likes guys that are taller than her," Ikkaku laughed.

"SHE'S WEARING HEELS! She is absolutely not taller than me!" Yumichika said angrily.

"You probably weigh about the same too. Maybe she wants a man with a little more meat on his bones," Ikkaku grinned.

"Shut up! I definitely weigh more than her. Not a lot more, but still," Yumichika fumed. "And if you are inferring that she'd ever look at someone like you over someone like me, you got drunk earlier than usual!"

"Oh yeah," Ikkaku said. "I should probably get back to that."

* * *

"I really hate swamps," Yumichika moaned.

"Really? I couldn't tell from the first twenty times you've mentioned it," Ikkaku said irritably, waving away a swarm of gnats.

Captain Zaraki didn't say anything but his mind was basically a litany of curse words followed or preceded by the word "hot". He really hated the heat, and damp swamp heat was pretty much on the top of his hate list.

"These things better be good killing or else I'm going to be really mad at Head Captain Yamamoto," Kenpachi said aloud.

"Let's destroy all of his tea if it turns out to just be some villager's tall tale!" Yachiru said. She'd wanted to do it for awhile, but she knew that it would probably be the most trouble she'd ever been in _ever_, so she'd been holding off. If Kenny did it though, there was nothing to worry about.

"Sounds like a plan," Kenpachi agreed.

"Um, you know that might not be the best…" Yumichika started to say, but he was interrupted by an absolutely soul shivering cry from some unseen creature.

They all froze, looking around them. Visibility was low due to the over abundance of trees and vines. They waited for almost a full ten minutes without hearing anything else.

"Well, at least something is out here," Kenpachi said, cheered up slightly.

* * *

It wasn't until the next day that they got to the place that had been described to them by a traveling tradesman, who had sworn that he had seen scary flying beasts. The place was a large lake that was so wide its furthest bank couldn't be seen.

"So, either these things are just a bunch of scary birds, in which case I'm not really sure what we're supposed to do other than scare them off, or they're giant flesh-eating hollows. In that case, we get to have a little fun," Kenpachi grinned.

"How many of them are they're supposed to be?" asked Yumichika.

"Oh well, the flock was described as filling the sky above the lake, but considering how big the lake is, I'm not sure how accurate that was," Kenpachi said. "Although, it would be nice," he added.

"Are you going to let Yumichika use that thingy?" Yachiru asked.

"As long as it's making us both sick and dizzy, I guess it'll be ok," Kenpachi conceded. He'd thought about it for awhile before deciding, honestly. It would be a real pain if they just all flew away, but using a cheap toy seemed a little on the weak side.

"So, we just sit here and look tasty?" Makizo said.

"I'm pretty sure that if you're the only thing on the menu, even flesh-eating birds are going to give it a pass," Yumichika replied.

"So mean…" Makizo said sadly.

"Don't worry, Maki-Maki, I'm sure that evil bird beasts would love to eat you," Yachiru assured him.

"Thanks," he said. "Wait…"

They set up camp and settled down for the evening as the sun set. Guard shifts were assigned and the rest hunkered down to try and get as much sleep as they could get despite the miserably humid conditions.

A call went out into the air, having the same effect as nails on a chalkboard.

Yumichika hadn't been able to sleep much anyways, so he easily woke, jumping up and looking into the sky. Ikkaku was a little more sluggish. He bolted up when he heard the noise but was disorientated at first. "What the hell…?" he asked.

"Shhh…" Yachiru reminded him, jumping onto his head with her hands over his mouth. He glared at her. Well, he glared at her as much as someone can glare at a person who is behind them.

There was a fluttering in the dark, and then a dark shape flew through the small group, spraying up sparks from the ashes of their campfire. The now fully awakened Squad 11 members quickly backed away, putting their backs to a tree, watching their dying fire and knowing that it would soon be completely dark. The moon wasn't likely to be much help, its wan light covered by a cloudy sky. Mist had risen from the lake, a spreading fog encircling their camp.

They waited for several minutes for an attack, but none came. "You know, I've never been good with this type of game," Kenpachi said to no one in particular. "Hold on," he warned him men. "Get ready, Yumichika," he said as he stepped back into the open.

Looking out over the lake, Kenpachi roared, his primal yell met with his increased spiritual pressure, both rolling out over the water in violent waves. The response was immediate. Although they could barely see the shapes, it seemed as though the sky was swarming with living creatures, all crying out in a cacophony of sound.

"Do it!" Kenpachi yelled back to Yumichika, who flipped the switch on the small device that Nemu had given them. Yumichika frowned at it. He had expected some sort of sound but there was nothing. Was it even working?

"Oh…not good…" Ikkaku said, leaning over.

"Are you ok, baldy?" Yachiru said, still hanging on his head.

In response Ikkaku vomited.

"Ewwww!" Yachiru said, quickly jumping over to Yumichika.

There was a crash as one of the things in the air above them ran into a tree, falling to the ground. "Ha, it's working," Kenpachi said. "Well, everyone have fun. Stay out of my way."

"Ikkaku, are you ok?" Yumichika asked, concerned for his friend.

"I'm fine, I'm still gonna kick these stupid things…UUUrrrgg," Ikkaku said, falling to his knees with another bout of projectile vomit.

"Um, as long as you're really ok, I'm going to stay far away," Yumichika said.

"What did you eat?" Yachiru said, intrigued by the bright colors.

"Ahhhhhh!" Ikkaku yelled turning and slashing at one of the creatures that had been approaching from behind.

"Oh hey, looks like they can walk," Yachiru pointed out.

"Yeah, now go kill some," suggested Ikkaku, looking about two seconds from puking again. He stumbled off into the forest to find some more of those ugly bastards to cut in half.

Kenpachi was having a lot of fun. The more he killed, the more there seemed to be. The darkness made it more exciting because he never knew where they were coming from until they were close. They attacked in groups, like a pack, forcing him to be agile and quick, something he didn't have to be very often.

"HAHAHAHHAAHA!" he laughed into the darkness during a break. "Come and get me, I know there has to be more of you!"

The darkness answered him in an agreeable fashion. A dozen more of the flying brutes came at him, sprinting quickly towards him with small jumps. They had beady eyes like a bird, although they had two too many of them. Their feathers seemed hard, and their bodies more reptile like than bird like. Their call was seemed a combination of an eagle and a boar, alternatively low and roaring and high pitched and shrieking. Kenpachi grinned; it was definitely a sound that got the blood going. "MORE!" he yelled.

* * *

By daybreak things had settled down. Everyone was sitting around their now rekindled campfire, patching up wounds, wiping off blood, and sharing stories. In typical Squad 11 fashion, the expressions on their faces all looked more like a group of school boys that had just gotten away with a particularly good prank rather than a group of soldiers who had battled for their lives all night.

"Ok, so it was worth the stupid swamp, right?" Ikkaku asked Yumichika.

"Fair to say," agreed Yumichika. "Plus it was pretty funny watching you try to look fierce while vomiting every other minute. Maybe I should keep this thing," he said, holding up the infrasonic weapon.

"Hey, don't be that way," Ikkaku said. "My stomach hurts like I've been doing push ups all day and I can barely swallow."

* * *

"Thanks for letting us borrow this," Yumichika said to Nemu.

"Did everything go ok?" she asked.

"Well, I had a reaction to it, but it wasn't lasting," Ikkaku admitted.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Nemu said. "Are you ok now?"

"Hm, well if you want you can check me out to make sure I'm fine," he said, trying not to grin.

"I'm a little busy now, maybe if you come back later," she replied.

"Haha!" Ikkaku said as they walked away. "I told you she'd go for me over you."

"Nothing of the kind, she just wanted to make sure that her device didn't injure you. For all you know she's going to knock you out and do crazy experiments on you," Yumichika answered.

"Hm, I guess it would depend on the experiments…" Ikkaku pondered.

"Ikkaku, you are so hopeless sometimes," Yumichika sighed.

"You have a rip in your sleeve," Ikkaku lied.

"Oh! Where?" Yumichika turned trying to find it.


	8. Task 7: Cretan Bull

**Task 7: Cretan Bull**

* * *

_A/N: The trouble with this one was how very simple it was. Basically he needs to capture a bull, and he does. Hm. I decided to hand things over to the Shinigami Women's Association._

* * *

"So I need to get everyone on this list," Shuuhei said.

"Yes," Nanao said. "Those that are outlined are of particular interest so if you could get as many shots of them as possible."

"It's not really a calendar for the Shinigami's Women's Association, is it?" Shuuhei asked. He had been recruited under the put on that it would be within the magazine's area of interest to write an article about the fund raiser and then had agreed to take pictures, and now it seemed he was embroiled in something else entirely.

"Nope, more of a bidding to get pictures of attractive half naked men covered in mud type of thing," admitted Yoruichi.

"You're not going to get anyone to fall for this," he said.

It had been Yoruichi's idea in the first place and she had come well prepared. "Hey!" she yelled to the group of Squad 11 members that were training nearby. "I will give two bottles of sake to whoever can catch that pig," she pointed at the conveniently waiting pig.

That got their interest. "How can we catch him?"

"Only use your body. I mean that too! No making nets with clothes or anything. He's greased up too."

They contemplated the pig, who looked fairly peaceful.

* * *

Two hours later and it looked like a small war had broken out. The original challenge had long become lost in individual bets and duels. Sword battles actually kept breaking out as well, which the members of the Shinigami's Women's Association were quick to isolate. Captain Unohana was on hand, as well Isane, so there were no (long lasting) injuries.

"Kira?" Rangiku called on her phone.

"What is going on around you, it's really loud in the background," Kira asked.

"Yeah, I need you to come to Squad 11 real quick."

Nanao looked at her check board and walked over to Shuuhei to chat with him. "We are getting more people into place but we a special person that you need to go out of your way for."

Shuuhei knew who it would be, because that person was looking at the muddy field with disgust.

"I really don't think that you can get Yumichika to chase a pig, end of story," Shuuhei said.

"We will give you 25% of any money we get from pictures of Yumichika."

"How much money is that?"

Nanao showed him the sign ups on her board.

Shuuhei sighed. He shouldn't have even asked, because now he knew he was going to do it and Yumichika wasn't going to be happy about it.

* * *

"Hey, Yumichika," Shuuhei said with a grin. "Not getting involved?"

"What a stupid question," Yumichika replied.

"Shit, is Ikkaku ok?" Shuuhei said suddenly, looking behind Yumichika.

"What?" Yumichika asked, turning.

Shuuhei gave his shoulders a quick shove. Yumichika crashed into the ground. FLASH.

Yumichika bolted up. "You did NOT just shove me into mud and take a picture of me did you." His voice was low and dangerous, and his hand rested on the hilt of his zanpakuto.

"Look, no matter what you do now, that picture has been transmitted back to my office," Shuuhei said quickly.

That stopped Yumichika for a moment. "Why?" he asked.

"The Shinigami Women's Association," Shuuhei said simply.

Yumichika cursed as he looked around at the field. "Ok, this is how we're going to do this. IF they are going to get my picture of me covered in mud it will be a beautiful picture not one of my bashing my face in, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Shuuhei nodded.

"Ok, now take a couple more," Yumichika ordered.

After a couple of minutes Yumichika was satisfied that he had gotten at least one decent picture.

"If it's the women who planned this thing, how come Rangiku is going after the pig?" Yumichika said.

Shuuhei spun around on his heels. "WHERE?"

Yumichika grabbed the camera from his hands and planted a firm foot on his back, shoving him hard into the ground. Shuuhei turned in the mud to glare up angrily at Yumichika: FLASH. "Perfect," Yumichika said.

"Mark Shuuhei down as complete," Nemu told Nanao.

* * *

"I'll kill you first," Ikkaku said to Renji.

"You're just saying that because you know that I can catch him first," Renji said with a grin.

The two glared at each other, the pig in between them. Some random lower ranked shinigami ran towards them and Ikkaku put his arm out, clothes lining him.

"Count of three?" suggested Renji.

"Fine," Ikkaku agreed.

"1…2…"

"What's going on?" Kenpachi's voice boomed across the muddy field. Renji and Ikkaku stopped and looked up.

"Kenny!" Yachiru said, jumping to his shoulder. "They're trying to catch the pig with their bare hands, but he's all slippery so they can't!"

"Hm," Kenpachi said. He started marching towards the creatures, his spiritual pressure billowing out from him. "Sounds like it might be fun."

The poor pig, already pretty exhausted, got a good look at Kenpachi and keeled over.

"Did…did you just kill the pig?" Ikkaku asked incredulous.

Yachiru ran over to it. "He's ok. I think it's probably the pig version of 'I surrender'."

It was true; the pig was fine, not even unconscious. He just had his eyes screwed closed and was refusing to move anymore.

"Well, that's disappointing," Kenpachi said, scratching his head.

"Guess we're not getting a picture of Kenpachi," Nanao said.

"Who in the world wanted a picture of Kenpachi?" Shuuhei asked.

"You'd be surprised," Yoruichi replied. "Hey, Kenpachi, want a real challenge?" she asked.

"What would that be?"

* * *

"That is one giant bull," Ikkaku had to admit.

"Did someone paint his horns?" Yumichika asked.

"Nope, pretty sure that's blood," Ikkaku replied.

"Fantastic," Kenpachi said with a gleam in his eyes. "Thanks, Yoruichi. What was the bet again?"

"Two minutes," she said.

"Ha, I can't believe you think it'll take that long," Kenpachi said, leaping down into the canyon that the bull was in.

The bull didn't hesitate. No one had ventured into his home for a long time and the second that Kenpachi hit the ground the bull charged at the intruder with a bellowing roar. Kenpachi stood his ground, his haori flapping around him. There was an impact.

Above, the watchers couldn't see what was happening through the dust cloud that surrounded the pair. A breeze came through and they saw Kenpachi griping the bull's horns tightly, forcing them downward. He laughed, and then leaned over, so that his eye was looking directly into the beasts'. "Strong, but not even close," he said to the bull. He leapt onto its back.

"Yay! Can I ride too, Kenny?" Yachiru asked.

"Yup, come on," Kenpachi said.

When they arrived at the rancher's house he didn't seemed too thrilled. In fact, he refused to come out.

"Take him back!" the man shouted through the door.

"I thought you said that this guy wanted the bull caught?" Kenpachi said to Yoruichi.

"He did, I guess he changed his mind," she said with a shrug.

"Fine," Kenpachi got off the bull and gave it a slap. It took off like a train.

"I MEANT BACK TO THE CANYON, NOT HERE!" the terrified rancher said.

"Oh well," Kenpachi laughed. "How much sake do you owe me, Yoruichi?"

"Let's stop by my estate on the way back to the Seireitei so I can pay up," she said.


	9. Task 8: Mares of Diomedes

**Task 8: Mares of Diomedes**

* * *

"Ponies!" Yachiru cooed.

"How the hell can you call those things ponies?" Ikkaku wondered.

"Those _things_ are not horses," agreed Yumichika.

"They're more like…elephant…alligator…thingies," Ikkaku tried to describe what he was seeing.

"They're pretty," Yachiru insisted.

Ikkaku thought that Yumichika was going to have a brain aneurysm.

"F…w…gh…du…," Yumichika stuttered with rage. Finally he got out one word, full of righteous indignation, "NO!"

"Yeah, Yachiru," Kenpachi stepped in. "Whatever they are, I wouldn't say that they're _attractive_."

"They're ugly as sin," Ikkaku said.

"That's not true! Sometimes sin can be beautiful!" Yumichika said with a sniff, still recovering from shock.

Ikkaku and Kenpachi laughed heartily, thinking about a couple previous sins of theirs that they had rather thought enjoyable, if not "beautiful".

"Why are you laughing?" Yachiru asked, but got no answer. She pressed on. "I want ponies," she said with determination.

"Whoa, no way," Ikkaku said, glancing at his captain.

Kenpachi paused.

"Pllllllllleeeeeeease?" Yachiru begged, looking up at Kenpachi with big eyes.

"Damn it," Kenpachi said, relenting. "Go and get them, Ikkaku."

"WHAT?" Ikkaku jumped up. "I'm not going down there!"

They had been sitting on a stone ledge that seemed to make up one side of the barrier around the "horses" about twenty feet up from the animals in question. Jumping down there wasn't high on Ikkaku's to do list.

"Why me?" Ikkaku asked.

"I'm not good with animals," Kenpachi said with a shrug.

"Why Ikkaku, are you scared of a couple disgusting looking horses?" Yumichika asked with a wide smile.

I shouldn't have teased him about how much he hates snakes earlier today or else he might have helped me out of this, Ikkaku grumbled to himself. "Of course I'm not scared of them," Ikkaku replied. "Shouldn't we not be, you know, stealing?"

"What, you think it's legal to have things like these just running around? They're obviously the results of something illegal," Kenpachi argued.

"So, we're just confiscating them," offered Yumichika.

"Yeah, we're confiscating them," agreed Kenpachi.

There was a quick rustling noise behind them and they all turned just in time to see a deer running towards them. Evidentially startled by their sudden appearance, the deer bolted even quicker past them, not seeing the precipice it was headed towards. It went crashing off the ledge.

Below, the deer struggled to its feet, trying to walk. It never had a chance though. The four beasts below swarmed around it like hyenas. One took a chunk of the deer's haunch, taking the deer down. It didn't make it up again.

Up on the top of the rocks, the group was a little shocked as the sound of ripping bones and flesh floated up.

"I didn't think that horses did that," Kenpachi said with a squint, watching the scene below. "Don't they eat grass and stuff?"

"Yeah," Ikkaku breathed. He looked at Yachiru, "You don't still want them, do you?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Yachiru said happily, kicking her legs that dangled over the side.

"Fine," Ikkaku said with resignation.

He jumped down, waiting until the animals had finished their meal. "Uh, hey there…horsey…," Ikkaku called out, walking slowly. Yeah, like I know how to do this, he thought to himself. He stopped suddenly when one of them looked up, meeting his eye. Oh shit, he thought. It charged and he drew his zanpakuto.

"DON'T HURT MY PONIES!" Yachiru yelled at him from above.

"WHAT!" Ikkaku yelled back, jumping to avoid the horse instead of attacking it with his blade.

Now all four of the beasts were chasing after him. He dodged and ran, cursing to himself. He didn't use flash step in battle that often, unless he needed to keep up with an opponent that was using it, but he was definitely using it here. Dying from some damn horse thing also wasn't high on his to do list. He turned and raised a fist, punching one of the horses in the head hard. The horse shook its head as if to clear it, but didn't slow down.

"DON'T PUNCH MY PONIES!"

"DAMN IT, YACHIRU!" Ikkaku responded. He jumped back next to the group, sitting down while panting slightly for breath. All the beasts were at the bottom of the ledge looking up at him. He could swear that one licked its lips. "Just…trying to work this out," Ikkaku said.

"Who are you, and why are you here?" a voice said from behind them.

They turned and found a large ugly man surrounded by several flunkies.

"Are these things yours?" Kenpachi asked.

"Yeah," the man answered, spitting.

"Making hybrids like this is illegal," Kenpachi said. He didn't actually know if that was true or not, it's not like he had paid attention to Yamamoto's lectures or read through the law books that had come with his office, but it seemed like something that would be banned and that was good enough for him.

The man just looked at him with distaste.

"Don't you dare look at my captain that way you disgusting sloth!" Yumichika yelled, rushing at the man.

He was stopped as a glowing ring shot up from the ground around the entire group, meeting in the sky above them like a giant dome.

"What the hell?" Kenpachi said, reaching out to feel it. It pulsed slightly but didn't hurt. He swung a fist at it and it glanced off ineffectively. He drew out his zanpakuto.

"That won't help. You're trapped in there until I saw otherwise," the man said haughtily.

"He does kind of look like a sloth," Ikkaku said to Yumichika.

"I like sloths though," Yachiru said.

"Fine, a sloth with a skin disease, bad hygiene, and an obvious mental disorder," Yumichika amended.

"…and a death wish," Kenpachi growled. "You guys might wanna get down in case this thing explodes," he warned them.

He didn't have to warn his group twice, they hit the ground hard just before Kenpachi's zanpakuto hit the barrier. There was a loud and ringing reverberation, but nothing else.

"I told you," the man said. "It's useless to try to break out."

"You sure are stupid," Yachiru said. "That's the kind of strike Kenny would use to swat away flies. He was just testing your stupid glowing thing. If I were you, I'd be running already. Not that it'll help."

"Kenpachi Zaraki?" the man said, his eyes getting wider.

"Yeah," Kenpachi answered, raising his zanpakuto again and hitting the force field with a little more force. A crack appeared. "I'm trying to be a little careful, but honestly, I'm starting to get pretty pissed." One more hit and the entire thing shattered, dissipating into the air. Kenpachi didn't even wait, he charged, with Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Yachiru close on his heels.

The clean up was brief, as expected.

"D…don't! I surrender!" the giant ugly man who was the leader said. "I'm as rich as a king, I can pay you!"

"Revolting," Yumichika said, both at the show of cowardice and at the idea that they would accept money for not killing him.

Kenpachi was livid. As much as he really wanted to kill this vermin, he was practically groveling on the ground, begging for his life. A kill like that wasn't really something that was his style. He turned around with a growl, walking away. He heard the man behind him begin to laugh hysterically. Kenpachi knew that was just how some people reacted after a near death experience, but he didn't want to leave things to chance. That bastard could be laughing because he had something else up his sleeve. Kenpachi turned quickly, glaring at the man. The man stopped laughing sharply, and took a step back from that awful gaze. The problem with walking backwards is that you don't see what's behind you. In this case, nothing. In his fear the man had forgotten how near he was to the ledge and went tumbling down.

The group went to the edge and looked down. The man pushed himself up slightly and almost made it to his feet, but there was no escaping the horses. They didn't leave a trace of his body, just a couple strands of his clothing.

"Well, that was disturbing," Yumichika summed up their viewing experience.

"Yeah, I'm glad I'm fast," Ikkaku admitted, happy he hadn't wound up in a horse's belly.

"I still want my ponies," Yachiru pouted.

Ikkaku looked at her with a pained expression. "You're….not kidding are you?"

"Get down there now baldy!" she yelled at him.

Ikkaku sighed and went down.

"Hey you bastards, remember me?" Ikkaku said menacingly. "I don't care what she says I'm gonna cut you into pieces if you try to chomp me."

They stared at him lazily, flicking their tales.

"Huh," he said, slowly approaching them.

They didn't move, although the light colored one looked up at him with curiosity.

Ikkaku put his hand out as the distance between him and the beasts was closed. He shuddered when the light colored one actually nuzzled his hand.

* * *

"I gave them all names!" Yachiru said at the campfire.

"Yeah?" Kenpachi tried to look interested.

"The smaller one is named Fast, that white one is Shining, the yellowish one is Blondie, and the really big black one is Terrible."

"Those are really, really bad names," Yumichika said.

"I kind of like them," Ikkaku countered.

"Why do you think they're so calm now?" Yumichika mused.

"Maybe they're just full," Kenpachi said.

"Maybe they love me!" Yachiru offered.

"Maybe they just wanted revenge on that bastard that experimented on them and made them this way and now they can live their lives," Ikkaku said.

They looked at him.

"Horses ain't that smart, are they?" Kenpachi asked.

Ikkaku shrugged.

* * *

"I got an idea," Kenpachi said with a laugh as they began to approach the Seireitei gates. "Let's come home in style."

Ikkaku was surprised that the horses let them ride them, but had to admit that the response from the shinigami that saw them was worth the price of admission. It wasn't like Squad 11 was used to smiles and handshakes from people that saw them, but this was even better than the usual cowering and running. It was sheer and utter terror on a primal level. One poor kid just froze in the middle of the road seeing the demonic like procession. Kenpachi sat on Terrible, who was massive, her body and mane a startling dark black, with red eyes and sharp teeth. She had a wide white gash across her check going back to her neck, and another across her chest. The poor shinigami couldn't move his legs, just stared up like he was seeing the gates of hell.

"Hey kid, get outta the way," Kenpachi said.

The kid was beyond being able to verbally communicate.

Terrible leaned down and flicked up her head, head butting the kid into unconsciousness. She then walked right over the prone shinigami. Kenpachi looked down, noticing that the horse was careful to not trample him.

"Those scaredy cat ones aren't even worth the trouble of killing," he confessed to the horse. Terrible snorted in response. "Yeah, you guys are definitely Squad 11 material," he laughed.

* * *

"I heard that you had some stables built in Squad 11," Captain Kyoraku said at the end of the next captains' meeting.

"Yeah," Kenpachi answered.

"I didn't know you liked animals," Captain Komamura said.

"Well, I like horses at least. You should come by and see them, they're beautiful," Kenpachi offered.

"I think I will," Sajin replied.

"I think I'd like to see them too," Shunsui agreed.

Kenpachi smiled. He wondered if he could train the horses to bite on command.

* * *

_A/N: So I never name the large man, but he would be the Diomedes (who was supposed to be a giant). The Mares of Diomedes names were:_

_Lampon: the shining_

_Xanthos: the blond_

_Podagros: the fast_

_Deinos: the terrible_


	10. Task 9: Girdle of the Amazon Queen

**Task 9: Girdle of the Amazon Queen**

_A/N:_

_Hipplolyta (the Amazonian Queen) = Hiroko_

_Penthesilea (her sister) = Emika_

* * *

"It is an artifact of incalculable worth, both as a piece of art and from a scientific stand point. The Shihoin clan has made many great pieces of armor, many of which have become lost or hidden away. We have discovered where this one is and I want you to collect it," Head Captain Yamamoto told Captain Zaraki.

"It's just a belt," he stated.

"It's it supposedly made of an alloy that we no longer know how to create," Captain Kurotsuchi said. "If I can get my hands on it, I can learn its secrets."

"I thought you said it was a piece of art? You gonna let him melt it down or whatever he's planning?" Kenpachi asked Yamamoto.

"I would think you wouldn't care about art," Mayuri sniffed.

Kenpachi shrugged. "Fine. Whatever. You're right, I don't care. I don't care so much that I'm not going."

"This is not a simple fetch mission," Yamamoto intoned. "The woman the girdle belongs to is supposed to be a fierce warrior. She is the leader of a band of gypsies that have formed their own government and kill any shinigami or people who trespass onto their territory."

"Well, that's a little more interesting," Kenpachi admitted.

"They say that the only people within their self-named country are women, and that they kill all men. It's also rumored that when a woman becomes part of the band they us their zanpakuto to cut an x over their heart to prove that their lives are forfeit to their queen," Mayrui added.

"Queen? Kinda fancy title for a buncha gypies," Kenpachi said.

"It seems like they would at least need _some_ men around," Yamamoto pondered.

Kenpachi paused. He had been bored of out his mind. It was summer, and he hated summers. It was hot and sweaty and if he got drunk he got even more hot and sweaty. "Uh, which direction is this place I'm supposed to start looking?" Kenpachi asked.

"Direction?" Mayuri asked, confused. "North."

North. It should at least be a little cooler then. "Alright," Kenpachi agreed.

* * *

"Damn lying bastard!" Kenpachi yelled at no one. Not only was the camp they were heading towards not north, but it was the exact opposite and Kenpachi could swear that every footstep was hotter than the last.

"Captain…" Yumichika said.

They stopped, feeling the rushing presences around them. Within a second they had all drawn their zanpakuto and were within a defensive position.

"Well, well," a woman said, walking out from the shadows. "Does the little man think he can bite?" she asked, looking at Yumichika.

Yumichika didn't hesitant, he just attacked. The woman was a little taken aback by his quick response, but was able to deflect his attack and jump back.

"Does the giant old lady think she can run?" Yumichika asked back.

She growled at that, although some of the other women jeered.

"I'm _supposed _to take you in for questioning before seeing what color your insides are, but I don't suppose Hiroko will miss one, especially since he's the smallest," Emika snarled.

"Well, technically that would be me," Yachiru chipped in.

Emika hadn't seen the little girl before.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Yachiru Kusajishi. I'm the lieutenant of Squad 11."

"These are your men?" Emika said, looking over the group.

"Well, Kenny is the captain," Yachiru said, pointing.

"Why the hell aren't we fighting? When did we all decide that it would be nicer to sit and chat?" Kenpachi said, glowering.

"She said that she was supposed to take us in for questioning. If we wait until we get into camp then there will be even more to fight," Yachiru explained.

"Oh," Kenpachi replied. That made sense. "Let's do that then."

* * *

"You scared?" Ikkaku joked to Yumichika, who was walking close to Ikkaku, almost touching him.

"Yes, of ugly people," Yumichika said, shuddering.

"Most of 'em aren't ugly, just…really big…and scarred," Ikkaku shrugged.

"I'm not saying that a toned woman isn't attractive. I _am _saying that women with necks the size of their heads are not attractive."

"They have fun hair," Yachiru pointed out. "Emika told me that they spike it with blood."

Yumichika just closed his eyes and didn't answer.

"We are approaching our leader, Hiroko. She is also my sister," Emika said to the group. "If you are disrespectful to her I will kill you."

"You'd try," Ikkaku said under his breath.

"Ikkaku, shut up! I don't want to be here any longer than we have to," Yumichika whispered, hitting Ikkaku in the arm. "I'll spar you when we get home to make up for it."

"Really?" Ikkaku said, turning to him. "Full on?"

"Yes, just don't antagonize any of these lioness ape women," Yumichika said.

"Any of these what?" Hiroko asked.

"He said you look like you have the fierceness of a lioness and the strength of a mountain gorilla," Ikkaku said.

"Thank you," Hiroko replied.

Ikkaku held up two fingers to Yumichika and Yumichika sighed. Fine, it had been a good save, but he doubted it was worth two whole cases of sake. Ikkaku just grinned at him. Fine you jerk, Yumichika thought. He decided that he'd take his revenge by doing something to Ikkaku when he inevitably passed out on Yumichika's futon. Paint his nails maybe? No…ah, sharpies and a bald head seem to present a lot of opportunities. He smiled graciously back at Ikkaku, who was knowingly looking back him worriedly.

We've been hanging out too long, I can already tell that he's going to do something to me when I get too drunk, Ikkaku groaned.

"…a tournament," Hiroko finished.

"Excuse me?" Ikkaku asked, not having paid attention.

"She wants to have a tournament with our guys against her chicks," Kenpachi said.

Emika frowned. "Chicks?"

Kenpachi ignored her.

"You ain't playing?" Ikkaku asked.

"Maybe, if I feel like it," Kenpachi answered.

* * *

It wasn't as fun as brawling, but there was still a winner so most of the group of Squad 11 members were game. No one was surprised when Yachiru won the opening game, which was a 100 yard sprint.

"You didn't even try!" Yumichika said to Ikkaku, panting heavily.

"Eh, she was gonna win anyways," Ikkaku shrugged, leaning against a tree nonchalantly.

"I can beat her!" Yumichika insisted.

"Uh huh," Ikkaku said unconvinced.

Yumichika wished he had made a bet on that because he did beat Yachiru in the obstacle race.

"That barely counts," Ikkaku mentioned. "You only won because she got distracted on the monkey bars and started playing instead of racing."

"A win is a win. You haven't won anything yet, have you?"

"I'm gonna win the next one," Ikkaku promised.

Yumichika looked over the list. "Spear throwing? I know your zanpakuto is a spear, but you never throw it."

"That doesn't mean I don't practice throwing it."

Ikkaku was neck and neck with one of the massive women until the very final round, when he claimed victory by half an inch.

"GO BALDY!" Yachiru cheered.

"Your men are very well trained," Hiroko commented to Kenpachi. Both hadn't bothered to go onto the field yet and were reclining in the shade sipping sake.

"Eh, I don't train 'em. The weak ones die, the ones not so weak hang on for awhile, and guys like Yumichika and Ikkaku hang around long enough for me to get used to them," Kenpachi said.

"Maki-maki, aren't you going to win any?" Yachiru asked.

"Um, I won a sit up contest I challenged a random woman to. Does that count?" Makizo asked. It was too hot for him to seriously want to do anything.

"Hm…," Yachiru thought about it. "Ok, good enough for _you_ I guess."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"They're starting the combat rounds now," Hiroko said.

"Good, now it'll be more interesting," Kenpachi said, focusing on the mock battlefield below them.

* * *

"HAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Ikkaku was laughing crazily. "I'm gonna beat your ass, Yumichika!"

"You're not supposed to fight me! We're supposed to be fighting them!" Yumichika said over his shoulder.

"Naw, they didn't say that. They just said 'free for all'," Ikkaku said, charging.

"Damn it," Yumichika said while dodging.

Of course, lots of other people kept getting in the way. It wasn't until about twenty minutes later that Ikkaku, Yumichika, and the towering presence of Emika stood breathing heavily and staring each other down. That was when they heard the howl.

"Was that a hollow?" Ikkaku asked, looking around.

"Yes. We caught a very large one just for this match," Emika confirmed.

"Great, all the work for nothing," Ikkaku said, sheathing his zanpakuto.

"What are you doing?" Emika asked aghast.

"Believe me, you don't want to get in the way of our captain," Yumichika said, putting his zanpakuto away as well.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Kenpachi yelled from somewhere high above them.

Ikkaku and Yumichika jumped off to the side to someplace relatively safe. Emika just stared above her, getting knocked down just by the sheer force of Kenpachi's spiritual pressure as he landed next to her.

"You ain't that big," Kenpachi told the hollow that was in front of him. "But I've been itching for a fight so you're gonna have to do."

* * *

"Your captain is impressive," Hiroko said to Yachiru as they watched on. "I didn't think the Soul Society made people like him captain."

"Oh well Kenny did get voted in or approved or anything. He just killed his previous captain and took his place."

"I didn't think that the Seireitei had such a sensible rule," Hiroko replied. "I became leader of my people the same way."

"You're really strong," Yachiru said with a happy smile. "And you're pretty!"

"Thank you," Hiroko said.

Kenpachi got bored of toying with the hollow and finished it off with an impressive blow that knocked up a good deal of earth and felled a couple of trees.

Hiroko stood up. "We have a champion!" she said loudly.

"Did he really win even though he didn't do jack squat for anything else?" Ikkaku sighed.

"Are you going to complain to him…or to her about it?" Yumichika said with a smile.

"Absolutely not."

Hiroko had made her way onto the field and was now standing next to Kenpachi. "What do you claim as your prize?"

"What?" Kenpachi asked. Was it really going to be this easy? "Um, your belt," he said.

Hiroko blinked. "Of course," she said, taking it off and handing it over.

"Good, let's go," Yumichika said.

"Are you're going to leave before the celebration?" Hiroko asked the group.

* * *

It was almost eight hours later and most of both groups were collapsed on the ground in some state of inebriation (or had been knocked unconscious in a good natured fist fight).

"I think that Hiroko would be a perfect match for Kenny!" Yachiru was saying.

"Did you get into the sake?" Ikkaku asked.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Yumichika was blunter.

"She's really big, and he's big. She's strong, and he's strong. She even kind of looks like him," Yachiru said.

"Ha ahahahahahaaa!" Ikkaku laughed drunkenly.

"Oh my god she's right! She looks like Kenpachi as a woman!" Yumichika snorted.

"See! She's perfect!"

"No no, there's nothing perfect or ok about it," Yumichika said. "No," he reiterated. He wanted to be more detailed about it but his mind was feeling fuzzy.

"Yeah, I could just knock her out and take her away with us. It would be fine, like a present for Kenny," Yachiru continued.

Yumichika and Ikkaku drowned out the rest of her explanation with laughter.

Emika wasn't as amused however. On one hand, either they were serious and going to kidnap her sister and queen. On the other, even if they weren't, she could say that they were planning on doing it and they could at least battle these sniveling man brats and show them that despite what the tournament said, they were _not_ better than her women.

* * *

In the morning Kenpachi went around kicking his men until they groggily got up. He did a headcount to make sure he hadn't lost anyone and the group got ready to leave. Those of the woman aware of their surroundings enough to know what was going on gathered around and made their good-byes.

"This man has threatened to steal our queen and make her his woman!" Erika accused, pointing at Kenpachi.

"I what now?" Kenpachi said.

"What?" Hiroko asked, looking at Kenpachi.

"Er…" Kenpachi didn't often find himself in a place where he had no idea what to do, but this was one of them.

"You desire me?" Hiroko asked him.

"Um…"

"It would be a great things for our two powerful clans to join together!" Hiroko declared.

"Oh my god," Ikkaku buried his head in his hands to keep down his giggling fit.

"It's not funny. I don't want to look at that face every day, do you?" Yumichika pointed out.

"Yay!" Yachiru said. "You can be my mommy!"

Kenpachi looked at her like she was crazy. I need to make sure that kid gets less sugar, he thought to himself.

Emika was pissed. This was not going the way that she had hoped.

"Well…ah….you see, I couldn't really leave my post as captain right now…and you need to stay with your women…" Kenpachi said.

"YES!" Emika joined. "You need to stay here! And he needs to go away!" she put emphasis on the words go away.

Hiroko looked slightly downcast.

"Yeah see, it would be great at all, but…circumstances…and fate…and stuff," Kenpachi mumbled.

"YES!" Emika agreed. "Your relationship is sadly not in the stars! You will have to go your separate ways!"

"…so…bye," Kenpachi turned and left.

It wasn't until they were a few miles away that Ikkaku, Yumichika, Makizo, and the entire party felt it was safe enough to fall to the ground laughing.

"It's not _that_ funny," Kenpachi grunted.

"Oh no, it definitely is," Ikkaku said through tears.

* * *

"I got your damn belt thing," Kenpachi said, throwing it down on Head Captain Yamamoto's desk. "And I'm never going back there again."

"Was there a problem?" Yamamoto asked.

"No…," Kenpachi trailed off. "Ah, the queen chick just kind of wanted to run off with me or something. It was awkward."

"Oh, so did you seduce her to get the girdle?"

"What? No. She just gave it to me," Kenpachi replied.

"I didn't know you were such the lady killer," Mayuri said from the corner he had been lurking in.

"Damn it, why are you even here?" Kenpachi groaned. He looked at the two slightly smirking faces in front of him. "You guys are as bad as my men," he sighed.

"Did you not find her attractive then?" Mayuri asked.

"She's probably a tough warrior, but she has a nose like an eagle's beak, a laugh that could break glass, and a forearm the size of your torso. Add in the amount of hair she has, those almost red eyes, and those paper thin lips with snaggley teeth…"

"Don't you know it's the inside that counts, Kenpachi?" Yamamoto smiled.

"Shut up."

* * *

_A/N: So in most accounts Queen Hipplolyta is killed as Hercules escapes her warriors, but there are a couple of accounts where she's fine and is later killed by her sister with a spear in a hunting accident. Not that that's fun either, I just didn't want to have Kenpachi kill her over a misunderstanding. Besides, this is a lot funnier._

_The x over their heart is my interpretation of the claim that they cut off their left breast to use their bows better (because that just makes me wince)._


End file.
